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submitted by 27JJuldacket to u/27JJuldacket [link] [comments]


2020.07.22 08:51 mantis_devito Dating App Advice for a Rural Gay (29M)

tl;dr Rural area gay bitch needs tips/advice on dating app etiquete
I (29M) live in a rural college town that's hours from the nearest city. The area is pretty accepting of the LGBT community, but there are slim pickings and we only have a gay night once a month. I've been out of college for a few years and I'm looking to date someone in the 25-38 age range. I'm saving up to move in the next few years, but in the meantime I'm trying to make the best of where I am. I am pretty bad at even making friends with gay guys (all my gay friends are ladies) and I've never really put myself out there before, so I decided I was going to make myself go out to every gay night to work on that. At any rate, Covid hit and we're in quarantine so those plans are on hold.
Instead of waiting around for this to end, I gave in and downloaded Tinder and OkCupid. I've avoided using dating apps in the past 'cause social media gives me some anxiety and the thought of combining that anxiety with my dating/sex life terrified me. I was happy to find out that it's not too bad and it's actually grown my confidence, which is a huge plus!
I quickly ran through all the local guys, matched with a few of them, but none of us struck up a conversation. I realized I'm too nervous to start a conversation so I decided that the best way to overcome those nerves was to turn on the global function and just chat with whoever I matched with. I figured I wouldn't have to stress about the conversation losing steam 'cause the likelihood of actually meeting these guys and pursuing something is pretty low.
Luckily, I've had a couple guys reach out to me first but I realized that I am real bad at both the flirty flirts and just holding a text conversation with a stranger. Any tips? My go to conversations have been asking what they've been up to during the quarantine, any TV show recs, how do they like where they live, mentioning something from their profile, etc. These things tend to die off pretty quick and I don't know how to keep the conversation going. I should note that none of these conversations have been about sex/dick pics/etc, just genuine getting to know you chats.
In my responses, I comment on what they say (though I try to pare down my response so I'm not annoyingly responding to every little detail of their message), I address any question they have for me, and I try to ask a question at the end to keep things going. Am I totally fucking this up?
Also, I've been chatting with a real cute guy for the last few days who actually lives in my state, but I'm getting the vibe that the distance (≈12 hours) is making him lose interest. I totally understand that and I'm cool with it, but I'm wondering if it'd be weird to reach out to him and say thanks for easing me into the dating app world or should I just let it fizzle out organically? I would definitely like to keep talking with him to at least be friendly, but I know that's not necessarily realistic and it's probably best to let it fizzle.
Thanks for your help!!
submitted by mantis_devito to askgaybros [link] [comments]


2020.03.06 04:17 Fluffy_Little_Fox Stages of a relationship with a pwBPD.

From courtship to discard.
PHASE 1: (Courtship Phase)
...[Total Infatuation on the First Encounter]...
You meet them on a dating site or you talk to them on some chat program. At first you just talk casually. As you progress they gather information on you. They quickly become infatuated.
They have made you their FP -- Favorite Person. That's Borderline lingo for: "The one I am totally enamored with, the one I wish i could be more like. The one I will completely enmesh with so I can imitate their personality because I don't really have one of my own."
They don't necessarily love "you" - they love the things you represent to them. The things you get, which they think they will get by proxy if they attach themselves to you. They believe that by "becoming you" they can get all the things you get. When they find out this won't work, they start to resent you and begin devaluing you.
You were supposed to make them feel good about themselves, but copying you won't get them the things they want. They want the stuff in those stories you told them about your past - the sexual escapades, the wild parties at the clubs, tons of adoring friends who like you based on nothing more than a superficial image.
They were immediately thinking - "Wow, this weird little twink is popular or something, if I shack up with him then I too will have that life. I'll live out my fantasies and I won't feel so lonely and worthless."
...[Immediate and spontaneous sex]...
People with Borderline (pwBPD) lack a genuine personality or stable self image, so sex is basically a way to compensate for it. If more of your time together is spent screwing than forming genuine bonds over hobbies - that oughta be a big red flag.
Sex is merely a distraction from the fact they are not what they present themselves to be. Most of what you are seeing in them is an amalgam of traits stolen from the previous people they had attempted to mirror, mixed around with whatever they believe makes up "you."
...[Mirroring]...
"I love everything you love!"
Except they actually don't. It's a ruse. A sham. They took huge bits of "you" and stuck it onto a mask which they then put on themselves to appear as if they are your "ideal partner."
They "don't really know what they like" and other people liking stuff they aren't sure about makes them panic and feel awkward...
It's like the kind of "this is corny" feeling you'd feel as a kid when your Music Teacher put you and 30 other kids on a bleacher stage and made you all sing some stupid song and you were just mouthing the words and not even really singing because you were too embarrassed to even vocalize.
That's how they feel about your stuff. But they will pretend to like it anyway just to please you.
They're like the alien in John Carpenter's "The Thing" - copying bits of bio data, gathering intel and learning how to better mimic your species.
"You like old video games??? I LOVE old video games!" - "You like music? I LOVE music!"
This will be reversed later on after the idealization / honey moon phase ends. They will reveal that they infact hate all of these things and never really cared about them. You didn't fake liking their shit the way they faked liking yours.
You knew your likes & dislikes, who you were as a person -- they didn't. They were in a state of "limbo" as far as the formation of an actual core identity. They're Tabula Rasa, a blank slate.
...[Anger towards an "Other"]...
That "Other" could be an ex partner, an estranged parent, a sibling or an ex friend or co-worker.
They'll paint this person as Satan incarnate, even though chances are they aren't as awful as they are being portrayed by the pwBPD. The negative portrayal serves a purpose, it's purely to prevent you from communicating with that other person.
That person is split and painted black - as you will be too when you screw up in their eyes. But for now they don't want you seeing that side - so that "Other" remains villified so you aren't warned too early on about what you've gotten yourself into.
PHASE 2: (Entering the Relationship)
Madness and confusion lie ahead.
...["Up Your Ass 24/7" Syndrome]...
Your new partner wants to be everywhere that you are at all times. And if they can't physically be there with you, then they must be in constant contact so they can monitor you. They disguise it as concern -- "I don't know if you got in a wreck or got mugged or if you died! I'm just worried!!!"
People with BPD don't have object permanence. It's like when you throw a blanket over an infant's favorite teddy bear - the bear is gone to the baby until the blanket comes off.
If you aren't right in front of your pwBPD, where they can see you, you momentarily stop existing to them. They are also scared you'll meet someone and abruptly leave them. That fear is always on their mind. They will do anything to prevent you from abandoning them. They cannot fathom the idea of being on their own.
...[Encapsulation / Isolation]...
They slowly put you into a box. They separate you from the friends you once had. They make certain that they are your singular focus. Everyone is subject to the harshest of judgements. It's as if you joined a cult. But there's only two people in it - You, the follower. And your authoritarian leader. You will be persuaded to give up any contact with the world outside of the relationship. This is because outsiders aren't wearing your fogged lenses of love.
...[Gaslighting / "I didn't say that!"]...
Trying to make you doubt yourself. Trying to make you doubt your interpretation of things they said even though they were so cruel, you couldn't forget those cutting words if you had been put in a coma and brought back out of it - you'd still remember...
...[Projecting their problems as yours]...
Projecting their own mental instability onto you so they don't have to accept that it's them who is unwell and needs to seek out professional help.
Trying to make you think it's YOU who is crazy, it's YOU who is violent, it's YOU who doesn't make sense and is being frustrating...
...[Psychiatrist for you, but nothing for them]...
"You're so messed up, you should go to therapy!"
But where's their therapy? Why aren't they going to a shrink and getting pills? Because in their mind they're above it -- (besides, they have marijuana and that's totally a substitute for real medicine, right?) -- They don't need meds because they're 100 percent fine and completely sane.
They aren't the problem here, it's YOU! Now put on your straight jacket and take your crazy pills!
...[Loss of your identity]...
Your friends see you go from being a fun and social person with their own Free Will to being a skittish pet, like that weird little creature Jabba the Hutt keeps chained up beside him.
"Dance little monkey-lizard! Bring master joy with your confusion, your misery, your suffering! There's an eggshell! You better not step on it, my pet! If you set me off, master will yell and scream!"
...You forget the person you were before you got taken into this emotional and psychological captivity. You conform to your surroundings, or you try to at least. But it's not going to work. You can't be what you aren't. You'll snap. You'll eventually begin to rebel and plot an escape.
...[Argument Traps]...
It's bait to get you to argue disguised as "Just Talking." It starts with them leading you into a conversation about something innocuous and casual... and then your toes accidentally crunch one of their many eggshells and the "talk" devolves into them insulting the hell out of you.
They launch insult after insult just to see how you'll react. If you act on your basic instinct of fight or flight due to the mental pain... you lose. You can't just run away from them when they're "talking."
That is one of their BIGGEST triggers. You are supposed to stay and endure it. You can't leave, even when the sound of their anger hurts you and brings back memories of your parents' fights.
This is not a debate, it's an excercise in futility.
"Shut up and parrot my opinion back to me so I can get MAD at you for parroting my opinion back to me! Ugh!! Why are you just agreeing? What's wrong with you? Can't you think for yourself? Can't you form your own opinions?"
IT'S. A. TRAP!
If you have your own opinions, do your own things without getting their input first, outright reject their authority over you and be "independent" (which is something they say they want for you, but don't actually) - they will discard & replace you.
...[Triangulation]...
They drag in outsiders to support them and take their side during arguments. They need validation that they alone are right. They groom their chosen one to be loyal and always agree. What they don't understand is that they teach you to use the same tactics by their own example.
You will start triangulating too, because it is the only way you can have a defense against them. You can't have a discussion with them without your own back-up. They will steamroll you flat if you try. But this also leads to your chosen mediator quickly getting tired of being involved.
...[Punishment, Ultimatums, Scare Tactics]...
You screwed up and they give you a 3 hour lecture.
You failed to do exactly what they want - so you better fix it or "you're gunna have to move out."
What they fail to grasp is that one day you'll be so tired of these threats that you'll be like "Alright, cool. I'll move if that's what you want."
Then they'll be trying to act like it was just another attempt to "get you to talk" to them. You don't make someone talk by threatening their home. You don't make someone talk by threatening to break up. You only plant the seeds of your abandonment if you continue doing that, so why do pwBPD do it?
It's like deep down they want to be toxic and cruel so you will leave them. So you are worn down to the point you just can't care enough to stay.
Then later they get to complain to your replacement about how you abandoned them... which will reinforce the new FP's desire to not leave the person with Borderline no matter how aggressive they act because they don't want to be like the bad guy they heard so many stories about.
...[Contradictory Language]...
Needlessly sarcastic. Completely confusing.
"I said you could do X, but I didn't expect you to actually do X. I expected you to say you wouldn't do X -- to make me happy. But then again, I was also going to complain that you only didn't do X because of that very same desire to make me happy. You're so PREDICTABLE!!"
This is often used when you were going to hang out with a person they feel neglected by or still have a grudge against.
Or another aspect - contradicting their own words and changing the meanings they intended after saying it... they go on a long emotional rant that is shockingly self-aware... about how "it only takes a small thing to make me fall apart" and you agree with this and try to self-relate some stuff back to empathise with their plight...
But instead of allowing that moment of empathy they suddenly reverse their prior admission of human vulnerability. "No! You're wrong! I'm not like you! It takes huge, BIG things to make me fall apart! Stop telling me I'm weak!"
Which one is it, buddy? Maybe we have different perceptions of the severity of every situation... because your Borderline Personality Disorder makes you think small things are really huge things.
A normal person breaks the lead in their pencil. They get up and get a new pencil. But a pwBPD rips up their homework and goes into a crying rage about how the universe is totally against them. Everyone who still has a working pencil is a fucking douchebag and clearly must be mocking them.
Plenty of times... you'd flip the fuck out over some stupid shit and tear me apart... insult me with the harshest language just because I was within range while you were having a crisis. Then later you'd say you were sorry and that you were fully aware you had blown it out of proportion in that moment.
...[Misidentifying Attempts To Emphasize]...
They see empathy in a totally different way from what we do. When they express a sad memory or a fear and then the person they are venting to tries to share back a similar memory in an attempt to relate to them, they see it as "This person is trying to take attention away from MY things and fish for sympathy from ME!"
But wasn't that what they were doing when they started to vent to you? Fish for sympathy? Holding out their net and hoping a few pity pikes would hop in there? [A pike is a fish, I was being jokey].
They don't want to admit they are looking for pity and using guilt language to get it.
And speaking of guilt, isn't bitching about how "I'm fat and gross and YOU get all the attention because you're thin and cute" fishing for sympathy AND at the cost of making your significant other feel shitty for things that aren't even under their control? Like being "thin and cute? What should I do? Take a hot cattle brand to my face? Shun all human contact?
...[Constant Self-Deprecation]...
They will go from huge delusions of grandeur about being perfect and flawless god-beings straight to "I'm a fat ugly piece of shit" within the span of a few lines of text or breaths between words in a conversation. "0 to angsty" in 10 seconds flat. [Get it? It's a car speed joke].
They can't make up their mind whether they are walking gods or the worst excuse for a human being to walk the face of this earth.
They split black and white on THEMSELVES not just us! And hearing someone talk bad about themselves instantly triggers our pity impulse. The "I need to make you feel better right now" impulse. Which they then attack you for... Because your sympathy and empathy are "worthless platitudes" that you only say to them out of instinct.
Okay. What exactly do they want you to do in this situation? AGREE with their inner critical voice and say "Yup, you're an asshole alright!" - "Yup, you're fat and unloveable alright!" - "Every bad thing the voice in your head says is TRUE!"
It's like they want to be consoled and reaffirmed that they are a good person or attractive but if you give them exactly that, they reject it anyway just to piss you off. They fight against you for trying to make them feel better - "You're just telling me what you think I want to hear, you're not actually trying to understand my pain!"
PHASE 3: (The Big Fizzle)
You are tired. Bored. Disillusioned with the entire relationship. You got with this person who copied you, only to find out you have fuck-all in common with them. You yearn for better and more peaceful things. You feel alone even though you have someone right there next to you. You go to sleep and you hug them but it feels empty... Like you're just there, but not really "with" them.
A J-Pop singer by the name of Ayumi Hamasaki said in one of her songs that "The kind of loneliness that you feel together is worse than the kind of loneliness you feel by yourself."
The song is "Surreal" by the way.
I felt numb. I felt bored. I felt empty. I was so tired of having everything I tried to do for myself being turned into a pointless circular argument.
"Get on anti-depressants, go see a therapist (or I'll kick you out)" he said. Well I tried those things. I even tried to get back on ADHD meds after having been without them ever since my mother decided that I "wouldn't need them" after graduating from vocational school...
What did trying to do stuff for myself get me? -- More bullshit and judgements. Him insinuating that I'll become a drug addict. Him telling me I only want the meds out of childish nostalgia. "Ok then. It's settled. I won't fucking take them! Now will you drop this pointless argument?"
"I never said you shouldn't take your meds. Don't not take them or throw them away just to be vindictive. I just wanted you to know how stupid you are for getting them when you don't even know if you really have ADHD or not."
Okay dude. You surely know better than I. You surely know better than the licensed psychiatrist who did my evaluations and paperwork to help me get the meds back. You surely were there from ages 6 to 20. You surely were there to see me fall asleep in class every time I missed my morning dose in 9th grade. You surely were there to witness me fail and repeat the 2nd grade until my folks got me on the meds...
I just started to question everything I did and miss when I could do things without wondering "Will this get me criticized and pulled into a debate?"
And I yearned for someone more close to my own relaxed emotional frequency. Someone who didn't force me to be the lightning rod for their own self-loathing and force me to be their external emotional regulator.
Someone who liked and shared my hobbies of listening to obscure music. Taking apart old game controllers. Playing ancient ass 8bit and 16bit console games. Writing lyrics.
All it took was one more dumb argument, one more stupid threat to push our precariously positioned tower of Jenga blocks beyond its limit and send everything toppling off the table.
That last threat to move out was the tipping point. -- Telling me to move is not a test. It's not a way to get me to stay and talk. That's how you make it clear to me that what you really want is for me to leave. When I let you have it your way, suddenly you didn't want that.
You tried playing a guilt card to try to make me go back on it. Because you didn't want to be alone. I didn't either but I didn't wanna keep being chewed on and batted at with your claws like a cheap catnip mouse every time you had a bad day.
I wanted a chance to re-experience life as an individual beyond the Borg collective. A person, not just part of your two-man hive-mind.
PHASE 4: (Post Separation)
...[The Hoover - Part 1]...
Hoovering is them trying to use their emotional tractor beam to suck you back in.
Guilt. Fear of being alone. Not knowing who they are without you - because without you, they have nobody to hijack a personality from. It would be a HUGE effort to start the mirroring process again with somebody else.
There was a brief attempt at a quick Test Hoover before the finalization of the separation. He wanted to see if I would come back. When I held firm to my anger and desire to not be reeled back in, he said he was hurt. That he was crying. I cried too. I didn't know if what I was choosing was the right thing. If I was making a mistake.
...[De-Meshing]...
I tried to occupy my mind with distractions. Play my old games. Watch old shows. Listen to old music. I played Secret of Mana. I watched classic Battle Star Galactica. I listened to all of Electric Light Orchestra (my dad's favorite band).
I was trying to fill my mind with anything nostalgic and comforting just to get the thoughts of my ex out of my head so I could attain peace. - Which by the way, ISN'T something I can do through total silence and meditation! No distractions filling up my mental space just makes the regrets echo even LOUDER.
I drown out my negative inner voices with MUSIC. I can't sit in darkness and silence for hours just diving into the recesses of my mind like you suggested I do. I'll fucking go insane. I'M NOT YOU. I don't deal with pain like that, I never have. Since I was 8, 12, 16, 20 - I escaped into MUSIC to get away from my inner voices of self-loathing.
...I was re-engaging in my hobbies. Making plans. Buying music gear. Learning to make beats. Chop samples. Tweak drums. Write lyrics, the last one was something I had done since highschool as a venting mechanism. I was remembering who I used to be before I began suppressing my true self. I racked up 4 whole months of No Contact. But it didn't take very long until...
...[The Hoover - Part 2]...
He messaged me on Facebook with some very apologetic stuff. I shouldn't have even logged back into it. I should have deleted FB as soon as he moved and also changed my phone number. I was even warned by a former room mate of ours and told to "Live your life for yourself."
The codepency programming was still very active. As soon as I read the messages from my ex I wanted to resume contact and try to be "friends" - but there is no being friends with an EX or a person with BPD. There's only two settings -- being their Favorite Person and being hyper idealized / OR... being split and painted black and hated with all the fire of a thousand suns.
There's also lots of really intense sex. You cannot be "friends" while fucking, AND at the same time avoid the re-forming of deep emotional attachments. It doesn't work that way. They know it leads to soul crushing misery for you in the end. But... They don't want to ever lose you, until it's the right time to of course. When they can lose you on their terms.
...[Re-Gravitation]...
This ain't some yaoi anime with a cute pink haired J-Pop singer boy and an older brooding book author.
This is you giving in to what you already know will be your doom. This is you throwing yourself right back onto the Black Widow's web and saying "Go ahead. Bite off my limbs and drink my guts until I'm a shell of the person I was before."
You hear about how much better it'll be this time around, but it won't be. It'll be worse.
The arguments will be harder to escape now because this time you can't just run outside with your MP3 Player and go walk it off.
You'll be fighting their "inner critic" and fighting their resentment of you to the point you'll snap a keyboard over your knee because of how mind destroying it is to hear them say all this stupid angsty nonsensical stuff.
How it was totally your fault that they never got to experience being wanted (YOU wanting them apparently didn't ever count). How it was your fault they were always ignored despite the fact you were not there for their childhood and teenhood.
How you're thin and cute and people like you more - so you must be resented and envied. But none of this would be immediate. The second courtship phase would have to play out first before all that.
It began innocently enough... He had me talking with him again on FB. He had me add some phone games to play with him like Draw Something. Cute innocent stuff. Taking turns guessing each other's drawings and feeling like we could maybe be friends again. It was a false sense of safety.
Then we'd visit. He'd come to my place. We would have awkward situations where we were both in my room together and feeling those old lustful urges rear their ugly head. We'd get frisky and eventually have sex. It was always a soul-melting experience to be intimate with him. It made us both "feel close again" - but we both understood it was wrong and should have never happened again.
It was the path to absolution.
Not in the dictionary definition and religious forgiveness sense. No. I mean the Gary Numan song off his 1997 industrial album "Exile."
I would swim across oceans /
Just to talk with you /
I would climb a tall mountain /
Just to look at you /
I'd give my soul to the devil /
If you asked me to /
I would walk out of heaven /
Just to be with you /
Complete and total obliteration of your individual existence and a willing sacrifice of the self. Happily being fed upon by a creature from another dimension that just so happens to be naked next to you and radiating a body warmth that would rival the flames of the hottest layer of Dante's Inferno.
...[This is wrong but hey, let's keep on fucking!]...
This is the pwBPD using intimacy as a way to mess with your emotions. To destabilize you.
They have an inability to grasp the concept that EXES don't have sex. But who cares if someone gets their feelings hurt? They just want to feel close to someone, even someone they resent.
...I started to feel weird about us getting so close again so fast - it had only been a few months since he had moved out. I made a direct mention of the fact "we are exes, we aren't boyfriends. I don't think we should be having sex. It makes it feel like we didn't actually break up."
This was met with a kind of plying and prying guilt, like yanking the plank from under your feet when you're trying to keep your balance. "Don't you like our time together? I just want to kiss you and hug you and play with you, but if you don't want that then I guess I'll just leave you alone..."
That of course triggered the guilt reflex. I couldn't say "no" when he sounded so sad. Plus he'd rant about how "I'm ugly and gross and nobody wants to spend any time with me so I'll just hide in my room and play Minecraft and get fatter."
...[Making excuses for the new FP]...
Before we started really seeing each other again, like me going over to his place instead of the other way around, he had to ditch his new FP...
This was some total random guy he met on OkCupid. He instantly high-valued him because "he likes MMOs, table top games and card games... all the shit you hate. He's a super nerd."
Like I wasn't nerdy enough? I was nerdy in my own way, and I made it clear I wasn't that type of nerd before we even started dating. I made it clear from the start that I didn't like MMO games or anything more complicated than "Press B to attack, press A to jump, use D-Pad to move around."
It's not my fault that you mirrored me from the very first time we started talking online. If you wanted an MMO - DND - MtG geek you should have sought that out from the very start, not mirrored an emulator geek who only plays retro shit...
There was a catch to his new FP... This guy was heavy into hard drugs. When he first told me that part, I actually thought it was a joke. My ex always made weird jokes or played pranks on me and I assumed this was yet another prank of his.
He fluctuated between calling his new FP a "Stupid Moron" and an "Amazing Person." That's the splitting aspect of BPD. Split black. Split white. Always changing depending on what good or bad thing was being done at any given moment.
Split White -- "Be nice to my FP, he gave me gas money so I could come see you today. He knows I still love you and he's trying to help me feel better by doing me this favor, despite him having obvious romantic feelings for me."
Split Black -- "Ugh my FP is so stupid, he stayed up all night doing coke and has a hangover so he's not going to work today so now I won't get to see you."
I never met this person, I never went to the house while he was actually staying there. I wanted to hate him. How could I not from what I was told?
First off, he was a druggy. Second he recieved leniency for his addictions while I got chewed apart for my trying to get back on ADHD meds.
To my pwBPD, coke and Ritalin may as well be the same thing. Despite the differences. Despite the fact I had to go through multiple months of paperwork and evaluations to get it. My shit was legally prescribed, but when I finally got it after all the evaluations, paperwork and piss tests, he acted like I had just hit up some dealer on the corner and bought crystal meth.
So hell fucking yes I was mad that this ACTUAL hard drug junky he moved in with him was getting special treatment that I didn't get. And I think he took pleasure in watching me be jealous as he "talked up" this guy and his coke habit. But "talk up" would quickly switch to "talk down" depending on whatever mood he was in at the moment.
My ex couldn't make up his mind about whether he hated this guy or liked him. I don't think he can make his "hate / love" pendulum stay on one side of the clock for anybody to be honest.
He'd go from talking about how irritating and dramatic this guy was... to passionately defending him and saying I shouldn't make such broad judgements about him. "It's JUST coke, and he only does it once in a while, stop making it a big deal!"
Make up your fucking mind and stop flip flopping about how you feel about this person. He's either a dumb druggy moron or he's Mister Fantastic. Pick a setting please and just fucking stick with it.
...[I'm not jealous / wait, yes I am!]...
After the coke head moved out -- (he played Match-Maker and set him up with another druggy so they'd fall in love and vamoose) -- He moved in a mutual friend of ours. Someone we both knew going way back to when we first were dating.
This mutual friend of ours had just separated from his own ex bf and was hoping to enter a Drama Free Zone. Well that definitely isn't my ex. My ex got very strongly attached to this dude. Got weirdly jealous any time he hung out with his own friends separately. Despite the fact he WASN'T HIS BF.
Just like... How ~I~ wasn't either.
I'd hear rants about how his friend (who he had never directly told about his feelings) was "ignoring" him. Making him feel bad. Darting off to his room to fuck his new friends while my poor neglected ex had just gone out for a smoke. This made me hate the guy he was crushing on and think all of it was this dude just deliberately being disrespectful to my ex. That's the picture ~I~ got.
But then he'd backpedal and say to not judge based purely off of his feelings. He'd say he wanted us to be friends and that my not wanting to be friends with his Roomie-Crush on account of his personal feelings and hang ups made him feel worse about the whole thing.
He'd act like it was totally okay for me and this guy to hang out, but later send me paragraphs of jealousy rants about how he feels ignored by the both of us. I'd try to make group plans. Well that just made him feel more awkward because he didn't wanna be around the guy with how he was feeling about him... He'd accuse me of trying to over-involve his Roomie-Crush in our stuff.
It felt like the only safe bet was to not pay attention to anyone, other than my ex. Very familiar territory... It was the reason why I avoided having friends before, when we were still together.
But odd thing too, was that he tried to pitch the idea that the three of us could get a place together and be a sort of gay furry family. I know he was just feeding into my fantasies... But when I think about it... it likely would have had the caveat of more awkwardness and hurt feelings on all sides.
...[Forcing Favors Through Guilt]...
The guy who owned the house he was renting a room in decided he didn't like the dog and cat my ex had brought along with him. So he guilted me into taking them back. Despite him originally saying I was a shitty care taker when he moved out and citing this as the reason he'd be taking the pets.
His tune changed from "You're a bad pet owner so I'm taking them when I move!" to "Awww. Don't you still love our sweet doggy and kitty? I'm sure they both miss you. I really need you to do this for me."
And of course I would do anything for him.
He knew I wouldn't be able to say no if he dressed it up that way. He also knew I'd get re-attached to the pets, just as I'd become re-attached to him.
In my entire time of caring for those animals he didn't send me money to pay for food or litter, even though he initially acted like he was going to help with their expenses. I was the one who paid for their food out of my own pocket. I was the one who bussed back and forth - from and to - my apartment, carrying heavy dog food and heavy containers of litter.
PHASE 5: (String you along - look for replacement)
...[Sex continues despite them having a new BF]...
He'd come by my place to see the animals he had saddled me with. He'd have me go over there to his place to see him multiple times in a week. I spent more time at his place than I spent at home. I hopped the bus any time he felt lonely or upset.
Online, I fought for hours against the dark voices of self-hate screeching around inside of his head. While I had my own inner voices to deal with too. Mostly in the form of his echoes. The harsh reverberations of his criticism and judgement.
He was dating again, but he denied being on the look out. Even though a mutual friend said he had seen him pop up on dating sites he used and he wanted to tell me to be cautious about my ex, that he might be giving me mixed signals.
When ~I~ went on any dating sites, I'd be guilt tripped and criticised. I'd be told I am "too awful" to have any kind of relationship and that I should just be alone. I'd be ripped apart and judged for even trying to make friends beyond him. It made me stay in isolation... to avoid being ranted at.
He got to date. He got to find his new Favorite Person. All while feeding me tons of angst about how he is fat and ugly and will never find love. As if gay Chubby Chaser twink boys are some sort of rare holo-foil Pokemon card that only shows up in one out of hundred packs.
Plenty of my friends thought he was cute and nice. He rejected the very notion of people being interested in him beyond his genitals - while simultaneously admitting that he is only attracted to people for their genitals.
He didn't like me for my personality, just my dick. And he assumed everyone else was like that. So people liking him was always brushed off as such.
"They don't like me, they like my dick."
Wrong... I liked you just fine, chubbiness and all. But you didn't like you. So you wouldn't accept me liking you either, or any of my friends liking you. You thought I only liked you for the person you were pretending to be in order to appeal to my interests. That I couldn't possibly like the "real" you.
I didn't dislike you, it was the anger, the hair trigger temper that reminded me of my dad. It was the "impossible for the sake of being impossible" pessimism that made me wanna pull my hair out. The nonstop hypocrisy and narcissism. The constant need to be right about everything. The lack of confidence about your weight. Your feelings of unattractiveness... which you took out on me.
Take away those aspects and there's a decent human being underneath all the cactus barbs.
PHASE 6: (Discard, Smear, Destroy)
...[Now you get to be the sad one!]...
All that angsty crap they said before they found The One now gets to be the things YOU say.
I guess you got your wish to "understand" them. But it came at a pretty significant cost -- Your emotional and mental health. Which affects your physical health. You stop eating. You neglect self-care rituals like cleaning your room and personal hygiene... But back when you were happy and not thinking about them all the time - you stayed on top of those things. You had positive routines that you followed each day.
Now, you just drown in your own sadness and regrets. You give up on life and any goals you had.
Do they care? Not really. You deserved it -- for hurting them. For things from half a decade ago that they claimed many times to have forgiven you for. But every past grievance and fuck up is stored for later so they can remind you.
They don't like to be reminded about their own crap though. They can dump truckloads of huge guilt rocks onto you, but if so much as a pebble rolls their way, they freak out and scream "you're trying to manipulate me to make me feel sorry for you!"
You listened to them self-deprecate for hours. You let them make you feel sorry for them. But now that you're the sad one, they don't want to hear about your sadness - it's boring and annoying.
Odd, considering how they made you endure countless angsty rants. How they kept you on a short emotional leash so you had to listen... or you were being a shitty friend and walking away from them during a crisis. But when it's you? They don't have the time to deal with your angst.
...[The fake set up to be friends with their new FP]...
This is them dangling the idea that you can all be chums and get along. Well... considering how jealous you acted over a dude who was just your room mate and not even your boyfriend I don't foresee it leading to anything other than misery and conflict for all those involved. They say they want a friendship still. That they don't want to lose you. You're still a possession for them... even after they've found someone new.
By not letting go of you after the separation, by not letting you have the chance to unmesh from them and re-discover yourself, they have ensured your obsession with them... from which they can profit quite easily. You'd do anything if it would make them happy. Them... Not you. Because you don't care about yourself. You don't believe your personal happiness matters.
You're like Morla the ancient turtle in The Never Ending Story. "We don't even care about whether or not we care." Well, you better start learning to care... unless you wanna fucking sink like Artax.
You can't make them happy. The only person you're capable of making happy is yourself. The only emotions you can regulate and balance are yours, not theirs. Regulating your own emotions is easy, but to regulate a person with BPD's emotions is like spending an eternity playing "Whack-A-Mole" and frantically trying to hit all of their issues while you watch as more spring up to taunt you.
...[The Smear Campaign]...
Full circle back to zero. You're that evil ex they don't want their new Supply communicating with. Because you might reveal too much. You have way more awareness of their behaviors. Screencaps of text-space arguments - not just stitched together memories of arguments that took place in the ethereal vapor of verbal-space.
You are too dangerous to keep around with your memories of what they are truly like under the mask of imitation - so they complete the discard. They threaten to block you now, but when you would even act like you wanted to drop off FB and cease communications with them they'd beg you not to, saying "that's not the solution."
If you had just gone No Contact from the moment of the break up, no further pain and loss would have occurred for you...
...[The Gloating Period]...
Any property you left in their care is forfeit. They will lord it over you like trophies. Make sadistic threats to destroy it. It's all an extension of that Ultimatum mindset. Needing to use threats to force compliance. Putting you back in a situation where they have power over you again.
You were stupid enough to crumble at their feet and they stomped and crunched your shattered shell as you wept... With no pity. None of that empathy and understanding that they begged for you to have towards them. From their vantage point your pain is deserved. You hurt THEM, but they never ever hurt YOU. Nope, nope, nope!
PHASE 7: (It wasn't just you!)
...[Realization of The Truth]...
You go from thinking they were perfect and that all the problems stemmed from you - to reading all those old screen capped chats and texts and noticing a pattern. You stop blaming yourself for the destruction of the relationship. You realize that something was wrong with them from the very beginning. You didn't lose a "perfect and wonderful person" - No. You were fed upon, then tossed when you no longer had anything left to supply to them.
The only thing you supply to them now is your corpse to kick and beat. Going back to talk to them now would just make you look like everything they've made you out to be in The Smear...
Pathetic. Clingy. Dramatic. That was them just as much as you, wasn't it? They also called themselves "pathetic" when they knew how much they needed you. Wising they could carve out their desire for you and cast it away from themselves.
They hated that they "cared" about you. They hated that they "needed" you. They hated their reliance on you to regulate their feelings. They hated that even though they made you take this position as their personal emotional modulator, you would still fuck it up by pissing them off constantly.
They felt weak from their "love." Their only way of getting revenge was to make you just as weak in their presence - then CRUSH you like an insect while you were at your lowest point.
submitted by Fluffy_Little_Fox to BPDlovedones [link] [comments]


2017.09.26 17:33 ligerboy123 from rehab with love 2

Ill recap what i do remember. I remember driving back from a concert in san francisco and passing out at the wheel probably 30 times to the sound of almost running off the road. I remember doing acid with my friends a few times and attempting to bring back some of the old. I remember an amazing night when i had managed to sober up just enough that i could actually function taking MDMA with some friends and deciding to get tattoos that i love, and watching the square and crying as we watched it. I remember having a fake marriage to my 2 best friends while the other was off getting high alone. I remember burning american flags on the beach on 4th of july. I remember hiding in a lot of bathrooms to get high. I remember stealing from my parents, and selling what i stole. I remember stealing my grandma's pills. I remember the faces of all my friends who couldn’t stop if they wanted to and the desperation in people's voices as they asked me to drop off some more or drive out to them when you were withdrawing and couldn’t get to me. I don’t remember ever feeling an emotion as i did these things.
This life i lived is one i wish on noone, i no longer knew what i was doing i just did. My life was consumed by drugs. I think the only time i ever felt anywhere near all right was at punk shows and house concerts when i could just get drunk and feel alright with myself. Cause just about any other point i was so fucked up by the end of the night by such a mad concoction of drugs people worried for my life. My life was a mess. My friends were mainly just people id use with at this point. One day i was at a house with a girl who i had a somewhat romantic relationship with she was one of the most beautiful women i have ever met. We were at her parents house getting high in her room. She only smoked so i was smoking with her for several hours. I went into her bathroom at one point and did a shot of xanax i don’t remember how much but enough to instantly blackout. I don’t remember what happened but apparently i stole all the adderall she was getting prescribed while she was asleep. I then proceeded to go steal a piece of jewelry from her parents worth about $3,000. I know i actually stole this because apparently i went to the pawn shop and went and sold the jewelry to them.
Before i ever even found out about this i got kicked out of my house. I had no where solid left to live in that town any longer so i contacted a friend who lived about 8 hours north of me and asked if i could head up there and stay with him for a while. He was stoked to have me and i thought i would actually be able to sober up when i got there. I had about 300 mg of xanax left my idea was to use the xanax to wean myself down and to stave off heroin withdrawal. I went up there with about $800 in my pocket and thought hell i don't know anyone up there i can't get high if i can't get it. So i left my old life behind i quit the job i was working at and took off ( oh ya i never mentioned i was working at a high end restaurant at this point but was not doing well with how fucked up i was). I woke up in withdraws that morning did a shot of just a few mg of xanax much less than i was use to and started my drive. It was a miserable drive what should of taken about 8 hours took me atleast 10 cause i had to stop several times to be sick. I pulled into town probably about 8pm and needed to get high like right now. Right as i pulled into town what do you know a drug addicts heaven a 24 hour mcdonalds. Pulled in and there were 2 people out from who were obviously drug addicts. I was high in under 10 minutes of entering town. I found heroin so fast it made my head spin and i was off on another run.
Well needless to say i didn't’ do great up there i ended up buying more xanax and selling it to the local drug addicts . It was a party town as well and my friend was in college so i pretty much just partied every god damn night i was there. The only job i ever got was trimming weed while i was up there. Good money but i would just smoke it all up. Quickly my addiction got right back to the point of there is never enough to make myself feel alright. I was suffering from pretty severe depression and was shooting up large sums of heroin and xanax to make myself feel better. I started to have to steal to get my fix. I was stealing from people i loved again. The close friends i had made while there were my tools to get high once again. Its pretty fucked up when you still love someone you still think them a friend and want the best for them but as soon as the mental obsession of addiction kicks in you you care little for their well being. Then after you steal from them and screw them over you fall into self pity and remorse and perpetuate your own addiction. It feeds itself and makes itself worse and stronger. Well after several months of living making friends stealing from them buying drugs maybe sharing if it was lsd of ecstasy and partying i was kicked out yet again.
So i packed up and moved back to my little town. On my way back my family told me the only way they would help me was to send me detox and then sober living. I fought it at first they had an intervention with me i listened to about one person talk to me and told them to go and fuck themselves as i walked out. Well i broke down and went to detox. Of course i had to get high first so i stole some jewelry from my grandma and bought a 3 pack of heroin and did the last of the xanax i had left (about 20mg) got fucked up as hell and went in. the withdraws i had were fucking terrible shaking and vomiting. Coming off of benzos is really not a fun thing. So for a week i was in detox pretty much just chain smoking (don’t smoke). When i got out i went home for christmas then entered into a sober living.
So for anyone trying to get clean sober living is a joke i pissed clean to get in and thought “man i just need to get a job and to have some responsibility” well i got a job and then a second job in about a week i was working construction during the day and as a cook at nights. I did start going to meetings though i was going to the NA meeting in my area. I could relate to the stories and could relate to not wanting to use. I could even share fairly well and played off that i was doing the work pretty damn well. However i quickly found the guy in the house getting high and joined him before long we were both using the bathroom back to back to get loaded. We would sneak out at night and go pick up a sack. I took a dirty 30 day chip while i was there and i faked 2 drug tests back to back with a whizzinator. But one day as i came back from work they asked to drug test and i didn’t have it on so i got kicked out and quickly the person i was using with. So there i was back on the streets i was living out of my car i still had work so i would go to work and sell drugs to stay high.
I moved back in with a friend who i used to live with earlier on he had got his own house by now. He was still dating that stupid bitch of a girlfriend that i still need to make amends to. I was using still maybe not as much as before but still to much and every day without fail. He had a girl who moved in with him because she was family to one of my other best friends. When she was moving her stuff in she came in and looked at me loaded on the couch and asked if i would help her move some stuff in and she would pay me in heroin. I mean who can pass up that deal right (most people). Within a few weeks before i ended up stealing a check from his cousin and cashing it for drugs. My best friends all told me they no longer wanted to talk to me and to just stay the fuck out of there life so i went on a fucking binge.
I was able to hold this up for a short while but i soon found myself stealing from the restaurant i was working at. I got fired from my job in construction and right after at my job cooking. I took my cash and went to go pick up a sack. When i was waiting on my dealer i was sitting inside a starbucks. The cops walked into just to buy a coffee and when they looked over and saw me the immediately recognized me i guess i had a warrant out for my arrest for stealing the jewelry from my friends parents. When they searched me they found several needles some suboxone and some xanax. So here comes my first stay in jail. I was charged with grand theft for theft of an item over $950 and they had solid proof cause i had sold it at the pawn shop like a fucking idiot. I got 60 days with half in jail. So after 30 days i was turned out with no desire to stop i re- entered into sober living and used the whole time i was shooting people up who didn’t want to do it themselves. I started stealing from my family again and was quickly kicked out of there.
I was back living in my car. I started to steal out of cars to get funds for my addiction. I would only steal from cars that left their doors unlocked but i would still walk away with a few hundred dollars a night which would all go into my arm and into my mouth in a matter of 2 or 3 days. Soon i got arrested again and i spent about 2 weeks in jail for attempting to break into the car i got charged with a probation violation. Lets try this sober living thing one more time right maybe for the 3rd time it will work (insanity).
I entered sober living and a outpatient treatment facility. The night i got out i got high. I had found a gram or so of heroin and a needle that was still loaded in my car that i had lost at some point. I passed the drug test to get into sober living and was high literally 10 minutes later. I was attending meetings and going to outpatient treatment and everywhere i went people thought i had a grip on things they thought i was doing very well in my recovery. I lied about my location just about every time i went out of sober living i was late every night when i came home. I soon moved sober livings to a sober living with a much better reputation. I got clean before i got into the sober living. So i passed the drug test to get in and started using again immediately. It was slowly getting harder and harder to just get out of bed in the morning. I was so completely depressed i wanted to die by this point i hated everyone and everything i just wanted to get high and sleep. If i was awake i was miserable. Well i lasted about 3 weeks faking drug tests before i got caught. At this point my grandma took me in she thought she could keep me sober i guess witch was a fucking joke. I was ordering xanax, DMT, LSD, and Fentanyl to her house. I used constantly while she tried to keep an eye on me. I found a job and quickly got fired for no real reason though probably because i was high at work. Than i got a job that i loved one of my favorite jobs i've ever had. I was living with my grandma and this gay guy who was also trying to be controlling of me ( i say gay just as a reference i actually liked him alot). They tried to control my money and where i went, of course i just turned back to my extremely manipulative ways. They were ok with me drinking and smoking weed so i just got fucked up every night and did fentanyl so if they decided to drug test i would be clean.
Well i ended up getting arrested at one point for stealing from a tip jar and got a petty theft and was help over the weekend. I didn’t work that weekend so i was right back to work. My grandma thought i was doing well at this point i don't know how. I yelled at her and her roommate just about every fucking day. Yet still they got me my medical card they opened the door to me and i managed to not steal from them i had finally gotten over that habit of stealing from my family at least right. Small progress in the light of where i was headed. My grandma made me go see a therapist while i was staying and i was using maybe not extremely heavily but was still using. He told me he knew i would do well because the way i talked about addiction and recovery were the ways only someone doing recovery could talk about it. However i had never worked a step in my life. He did however talk to my grandpa and get him back in my life and i will forever be grateful to that therapist for doing that for me. I guess it goes to show how good addicts of any kind can act if it means helping the addiction.
My grandma was supposed to leave for several month and she wanted me to rent one of the rooms with her roommate while she was gone. That plan was going all right till one night when her roommate decided to try and argue about how much i would pay for rent when i was coming home from work and fairly drunk. I ended up yelling at him and shoving him out of my way trying to get to bed. My grandma came out because of the screaming and i was fucking done with it. About 2 days later i moved out and moved in with some friends who lived on the other end of town. It was a party house where they through shows and there was constantly a bunch of people over. I lived with my friend who was the first person to ever give me heroin which i was ok with he was one of the nicest people i knew. I was sleeping on a couch and there were 2 others sleeping in the living room with me also there were 4 others living in the house. I quickly went right back to large quantities of heroin and started to drink daily. Every day when i got off work i would grab a 64 ounce beer from the tap and drink it before i clocked out. Then i would stop on the way home and steal some grey goose and a few 12 packs of beer. Everyone in the house drank so it was just easier to drink than do anything else. I don't really know how i felt while living there i was constantly exhausted and fucked up. I really just remember feeling emotionless.
I use to sit in my car out front and shoot up before coming inside or wait for a sack with my friend. Although i did enjoy some aspects of life, my grandpa and i were seeing each other and flying drones together again and we were both getting good at it. He knew i wasn’t doing well but he loved me and as long as i wasn’t super fucked up around him he was willing to spend that time with me. I always looked forward to those moments. But even the best of times is not good enough motivation to keep you sober. The friend i was living with found a girlfriend who was only 16 and she was a very nice girl however it was definitely weird. But i guess they were both just feeding off each other she was using him to get high he was using her for emotional support. Anyways i use to get him heroin all the time and i knew she was getting high too. Back at the house things were the same an endless stream of alcohol and people. Work was the same i had started to go over to my bosses house with a co-worker of ours and drink beer and play Magic the Gathering for hours on end.
Around the end of november the house i was living changed drastically. My friend got kicked out the other person living in the living room moved out, and one of the rooms opened up. So i started renting that room. This was probably one of the more depressing times in my life. I had found some new dealers who were getting straight from the border so i started to deal again but a lot more efficiently than before. I was picking up about a ounce a day of witch i was using around 3 grams a day of. My xanax use was back to being out of control blacking out being the usual case. I thought i was functioning fine because somehow fucked up me thrives in kitchens. I will do a night with 200 people without a mistake so if i can still function how could i possible have a problem. Also i can still drive fairly good. Of course their was also that time i stole that car when blacked out and drove it around for several days picking up sacks and eating xanax like candy. I had gotten so fucked up that night i had broken my arm and didn’t realize it for 2 days till i came to my senses a little and realized i couldn’t move it.
My drug use started to get so bad i was having a hard time functioning so i started to use cocaine to keep myself awake. Not that it was much against heroin but i could do a shot of it and it would keep me awake long enough to go drop off my next sack. I guess at some point in here my friends girlfriend almost overdosed and had to go to the hospital. I could reason with myself that i had not given her the drugs and that she was alright now. I also just really didn’t care because i was so fucked up all the time. Well my boss started to notice how often i was “using the restroom” and knew exactly what that meant. He told me i needed to get some help and get sober or he was going to fire me.
My friend ended up getting arrested for warrants i guess he had out for him for a while for probation violations. So he was out of the picture i was on my last string at work and i was living in a room alone. I woke up every morning in withdraw shitting myself and throwing up. I use to have to mix my morning shot on the toilet as my guts were spilling out of me from both ends but as soon as i did that shot i was fine. There were several times i was driving to my deals house throwing up out my door as i was driving. Mixing up a shot while i'm vomiting looking up for half a second just to register because i couldn’t stop throwing up. My cocaine use was getting up there to i was barely making enough sales to support my own addiction and i ended up going and stealing from cars to pay my rent and buy some booze for parties. Well this went on for a while and i started to look into rehabs in my area. I had a friend of mine send me a list of rehabs and found 2 or 3 i thought sounded good and was going to go at the beginning of next month down to one. It was the end of January and i was asleep in bed at about 4.30 in the morning when i get a call for my friends girlfriend crying begging me to come get her well she was in withdraws she told me she would give me 10 bucks and a couple valium. I really didn’t want to go i had just picked up another sack and had already eaten like a 25mg mix of xanax and klonopin. But i got my ass out of bed and drove over there i pulled out the new batch that i had got that day and hadn’t broken into yet. I gave her about a .1 and did a .5 for myself. I mixed a little bit of coke in with mine so i would be able to drive back home. The next thing i remember is being woken up by the cops with a needle still in my arm. She was overdosing in my passenger seat and didn’t respond as i screamed her name. I was hardly coherent. They told me she was alive and that i was fucked then took me to jail.
I was in the holding cell from 6 in the morning till 6 at night. I remember none of it i was nodded out the whole time i was fucked up as hell in my intake picture. I told them when i came in i was withdrawing from benzos. They got me to the doctors that night. And when i told them how much benzos i was taking on a daily bases they didn’t believe me i weighed about 135 pounds and am 6” tall. They thought i was fucking with them but had no choice but to put me on a taper down system. So for 4 weeks they tapered me off benzos with klonopin starting at 2 mg 3 times a day. Even that i didn’t feel whatsoever. I threw up every meal they fed me for the first week i was in there till finally i could eat again. I spent 11 months in jail and my court case went on for 7 months before we came to a deal. While i was in there i managed to sober up and actually enjoy myself. I was having money put on my books i could have bought drugs if i had wanted them but i had no desire. While in there i met a pastor called john and although i wasn’t fully on board with the whole christian thing and i don’t know if i ever will be i did start praying just to stop having dreams of using. And slowly they past. I made some very good friends while i was in there, and got really good at handball
When finally my court case was over i was sentenced to 2 years with half in county and a 1 year residential drug treatment. While i was in there i got reconnected with my old day care providers from when i was a kid. It had been years since i had seen them. And they did amazing things for me they helped me in ways they will never know. They gave me a place to live when i got out. And when i got out i did move in for a short while before i got to rehab. I spent a month waiting to get into rehab and in that month i started to go to church it didn’t really speak to me that much but it was a good community i was apart of and i appreciated that. I had good times with my family. And something happened i thought was a lost hope, my friends came back. The girl i loved had found a new boyfriend and was no longer using while her ex was still out there using. My hard working mexican friend was back to just drinking a lot and the new boyfriend ended up being a really great guy. I contacted her when i got out and she came over and met me. We had an amazing night and the next night i met her boyfriend and we went and saw a movie together. The next day we went to a concert and my other friend rode with us it was weird at first because he still didn’t want to talk to me but quickly all of us were right back to our old selves. I felt that friendship we had lost through drugs come back right away and although it may not have being perfect it was a true comfort. Than i met my girlfriend, of all places on OK cupid. I had no intention of meeting a girlfriend but as i said earlier in this story sometimes you can't control how you feel about someone. We went on our first date and i knew i loved her pretty much right away. We were only together a couple days though before i had to leave to rehab.
So recovery is weird and amazing and fun. I act more ridiculous and have more fun now than i ever did getting high. When i got to rehab i put on my happy face and was just ready to act it out, that's not what happened. When i got here i couldn’t tell my elbow from my asshole but i could tell a dime from a 20 sack. I was good at acting though really good at it. I was “happy” all the time i was loud and made a lot of jokes at the expense of others and somehow fell right into the crowd here that was actually doing a lot of work in their recovery. The program i'm at told me to get a sponsor so i got a sponsor a few days after i got here. Before i did them i thought the steps were pointless i truly thought self knowledge was the answer to my problems. I just assumed if i understood my problem i could see what was causing it and stay away from it. But alcohol and drugs are so cunning baffling and powerful i don't think anyone fully understands it. So i read the first 60 pages of Alcoholics Anonymous and started on my steps. I didn’t understand what i was doing while i did them like at all. However i did them to the best of my ability i didn’t have a whole lot else to do. I did my 4th step and hed about 140 people on my resentments sheet, well i soon realized why we did the resentments and it has nothing to do with what people have done to you, it takes a whole knew perspective on things and does not allow for you to twist it to make you look good. You own your part now no more hiding it'd be fucking scary if i knew what i was doing when i started it but i will say that was the most worthwhile thing i've ever done in my life.
I had made a lot of friends in here and the things that have happened to us is far stranger than what happened to me in normal life. That is probably because we can act ridiculous and be ourselves because we don’t have anything to hide. We had rooms with 5 people in them and the bed next to me was owned by who is one of the better friends i have ever know Adam (he requested on being named). I had many other friends but he was normally who i would go out with and who could act even stranger than i could. I remember one day we were walking down the street yelling at tweakers and this chick walked to up and straight looked at us and asked him if he wanted to go with her. She was obviously high on something like LSD or mushrooms. I mean she was a cute little latina chick with glasses and her butt hanging out of her shorts what else would you do so needles to say he ditched me. I was signed out with him cause i was earlier in the program and need to sign out with someone to go out. Well somehow he got laid and we managed to make it back separately without getting noticed. However he got put on a relationship contract because he was seen with her and you are not supposed to be in a relationship.
Well my relationship is still going and from the day i got here i started to write her letters every night and after 30 days when i could use the phone i started to call her as well. This was a seriously hard relationship but somehow we have made it work. She told me from the start how much she respected my recovery and has not stepped that boundary the whole time. But i will say that i have seen in this program a lot of good people go out because something happened between them and their lady. I was lucky to have her though she has kept my head focused plenty of times when i would have otherwise drifted off. I truly believe whatever is out there put us together at this point on purpose.
So i did my step work my sponsor took me through them really fast. I did my fifth step which i really didn’t realize how much that would do for me but i actually felt a lot of relief from doing it. 6 and 7 was a few days later my sponsor said that's were he felt the release but i felt mine around 9. On 9 it seemed mechanical at first like i was just printing out amends in a very robotic way. But as i started to get responses to them they started to mean more and more to me. Obviously i have fucked over a lot of people throughout my addiction. It was incredibly strange to get responses to amends from people i just assumed would never get a response from or who would tell me to fuck off and have them be super positive. A Lot of people owned their end of it. However i also have friends i thought would forgive me who told me not to ever contact them again. Tell you what though even those amends felt good because it was never about the response it was that i need to see how i act, how i react, how selfish i've being, and how i have always held contempt before investigation on everything in my life. Nothing can hold us back in this program more than a attitude of intolerance or indifference . "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which can not fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation." --HERBERT SPENCER
Well soon enough i found myself actually enjoying life, it was no longer a show and i no longer had to live the incredibly tiring life of acting it out. Now i should make something clear this in no way means i am a model citizen i still love to act like an idiot. But not looking over your shoulder for the cops cause you know you aren't breaking any laws definitely helps. And being happy doesn’t mean i'm always in a super good mood, everyone who knows me knows to not talk to me in the morning until i've had a cup of coffee in my system and really probably not before like 10-11 am i going to actually seem human. However people who have known me for awhile also know i'm nothing like what i use to be in a good way. The 10th and 11th step changed a lot about the way i act in situations. I was never someone who would have told you i was wrong while someone is screaming in my face or thank you for doing your job as you hand me piece of paper saying i am in trouble and just own that i fucked up. Although i'm not perfect and i still get caught in it from time to time, i was never someone who would have just walked about while people were gossiping about someone else. Today i don't care the only inventory i can take is my own i can be there for you to vent to and take your own inventory out loud but it's not my job to make assumptions.
As for the 11th step i've meditated through most of my life but to make it a practice to do first thing when i wake up in the morning as really changed a lot about myself. To when i'm in a stressful situation give it up realize i have no control over who you are or how you act and just pray for the strength to take the next right step in life. There is also the matter of doing a nightly inventory which is usually about the last thing when i am dead tired crawling into bed but for some reason it keeps me in the moment and i notice when i don’t do it. Essentially i have no clue how the steps work other than allow you to see you for who you really are and invite the growth you need. And to keep you realizing that the growth is never done. It is a life time of spiritual growth.
Well i have made a lot of friends in rehab and i got through the steps in about 60 days. So now i'm stuck on 12 cause i can’t sponsor anyone for the year i am in rehab. This may be a good thing though cause until recently i really don’t know if i was ready. However while here Adam and i took over a big book study about 3 months in. i am fairly well spoken when it comes to public speaking, so why not. I would be lying if i said it went off without a hitch. However we quickly saw more of our character defects and how we hold/portray ourselves. It gave us the perfect opportunity to grow in that way and we did quite quickly. I have a far better knowledge of the big book now than i ever imagined i would in my life. I get what they say now when a sponsor tells you he learns more from you and you help him (or her) more than they help you. In that book study i have no idea how much i've helped people but i know being responsible for that has pushed me to study, find history behind things find out about bill wilson's crazy past and push farther down that rabbit hole endlessly. And more than anything i get excited doing it, it is about the farthest thing from work i can imagine.
This program has done more for me though than just step work. Although step work is the most important thing that has happened while i've being here. They have given me a safe place to work on myself in so many different aspects. They make you take different kinds of classes while you are here, codependency class was probably my favorite one, pretty much we got to learn how to deal with crazy ass people. And at the end of the class we had a beautiful display from one of the crazy residents here who was in class with us. He some how managed to display every sort of thing that we had talked about as crazy people in a matter of 10 minutes. I think everyone got super uncomfortable but i fucking loved it and thought it was about the funniest thing ever. But that class just solidified things i had already being learning about this complex crazy thing we call human interaction. There are millions of different personality types in the world and i have had to learn to just accept them for what they are and do my best to not get resentful at someone just because they are sick mentally or spiritually in some way or another i'm no better i'm sick in my very own way. This program has really taught me a lot about accepting the world, my whole life i have upset at the state of the world constantly thinking what can i do about it. I have learned the only thing i can do is to live the way i want the world to be and hope it rubs off on a person or two. Show love where there is no love and show hope for the future when things seem so bleak cause the only thing we can do is look for the next right step. I like to think of life like rock climbing when you are on a sheer cliff surface you can’t always see the whole picture you can only look for the next grip to pull you up.
Now i don’t always take the next right step sometimes i slip. Like when i was going on a home pass. I told the rehab i was going to my family's house when instead i was actually going to San Fransisco to go spend the weekend with my girlfriend. Honestly it was one of the most amazing weekends of my life when i was in it. I have never had a sober vacation like that before. It was great in the moment because i am good at enjoying the moment now, however coming home was different. The second i walked in the door i was overwhelmed by a sense of shame. The next day i had to tell on myself, this program gives a lot of slack they just ask you don’t lie when directly asked something. I couldn’t lie and that is about the weirdest thing ever to me, my whole life has being me lying to every person around me my family, friends, co-workers if you were around me i lied. Today i feel so much shame in lying because i have finally experienced the feeling of not having anything to hide. I'd rather tell the truth and suffer some level of consequence than live with the feeling of hiding my whole life.
I still deal with lots of things here there are people here who bug the living hell out of me. I am one of the dinner cooks here we feed 45 guys in the house and about 120 homeless a night. The cooking actually is fun the hard part is having the kitchen manager over my shoulder all the time stressing out. Or the guy who when you tell him something annoys you he continues to push that button endlessly. Or the guy who insists he is right on every subject even when he has absolutely no clue what he is talking about. There is also seperation from my girlfriend that is not easy it's hard to rarely ever get to see her not that i don’t ever get to see her but it's like a weekend out of a month. Why she stays with me i have no clue. There is obviously a desire to work but where i am at i have about a month and a half till i can get a job. I guess what this program has done for me is learn to accept things the way they are. To realize its not my job to fix things in the world no matter how much i would like to. Also to see that i can only change my actions and responses to things, to ask what can i bring to the situation not say it's their fault or job. Recovery has taught me to ask for help, to daily check and see if i'm holding anything back, and to ask for help when i need it. I can do my best with recovery.
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2017.09.25 17:46 ligerboy123 my story part 2

Ill recap what i do remember. I remember driving back from a concert in san francisco and passing out at the wheel probably 30 times to the sound of almost running off the road. I remember doing acid with my friends a few times and attempting to bring back some of the old. I remember an amazing night when i had managed to sober up just enough that i could actually function taking MDMA with some friends and deciding to get tattoos that i love, and watching the square and crying as we watched it. I remember having a fake marriage to my 2 best friends while the other was off getting high alone. I remember burning american flags on the beach on 4th of july. I remember hiding in a lot of bathrooms to get high. I remember stealing from my parents, and selling what i stole. I remember stealing my grandma's pills. I remember the faces of all my friends who couldn’t stop if they wanted to and the desperation in people's voices as they asked me to drop off some more or drive out to them when you were withdrawing and couldn’t get to me. I don’t remember ever feeling an emotion as i did these things.
This life i lived is one i wish on noone, i no longer knew what i was doing i just did. My life was consumed by drugs. I think the only time i ever felt anywhere near all right was at punk shows and house concerts when i could just get drunk and feel alright with myself. Cause just about any other point i was so fucked up by the end of the night by such a mad concoction of drugs people worried for my life. My life was a mess. My friends were mainly just people id use with at this point. One day i was at a house with a girl who i had a somewhat romantic relationship with she was one of the most beautiful women i have ever met. We were at her parents house getting high in her room. She only smoked so i was smoking with her for several hours. I went into her bathroom at one point and did a shot of xanax i don’t remember how much but enough to instantly blackout. I don’t remember what happened but apparently i stole all the adderall she was getting prescribed while she was asleep. I then proceeded to go steal a piece of jewelry from her parents worth about $3,000. I know i actually stole this because apparently i went to the pawn shop and went and sold the jewelry to them.
Before i ever even found out about this i got kicked out of my house. I had no where solid left to live in that town any longer so i contacted a friend who lived about 8 hours north of me and asked if i could head up there and stay with him for a while. He was stoked to have me and i thought i would actually be able to sober up when i got there. I had about 300 mg of xanax left my idea was to use the xanax to wean myself down and to stave off heroin withdrawal. I went up there with about $800 in my pocket and thought hell i don't know anyone up there i can't get high if i can't get it. So i left my old life behind i quit the job i was working at and took off ( oh ya i never mentioned i was working at a high end restaurant at this point but was not doing well with how fucked up i was). I woke up in withdraws that morning did a shot of just a few mg of xanax much less than i was use to and started my drive. It was a miserable drive what should of taken about 8 hours took me atleast 10 cause i had to stop several times to be sick. I pulled into town probably about 8pm and needed to get high like right now. Right as i pulled into town what do you know a drug addicts heaven a 24 hour mcdonalds. Pulled in and there were 2 people out from who were obviously drug addicts. I was high in under 10 minutes of entering town. I found heroin so fast it made my head spin and i was off on another run.
Well needless to say i didn't’ do great up there i ended up buying more xanax and selling it to the local drug addicts . It was a party town as well and my friend was in college so i pretty much just partied every god damn night i was there. The only job i ever got was trimming weed while i was up there. Good money but i would just smoke it all up. Quickly my addiction got right back to the point of there is never enough to make myself feel alright. I was suffering from pretty severe depression and was shooting up large sums of heroin and xanax to make myself feel better. I started to have to steal to get my fix. I was stealing from people i loved again. The close friends i had made while there were my tools to get high once again. Its pretty fucked up when you still love someone you still think them a friend and want the best for them but as soon as the mental obsession of addiction kicks in you you care little for their well being. Then after you steal from them and screw them over you fall into self pity and remorse and perpetuate your own addiction. It feeds itself and makes itself worse and stronger. Well after several months of living making friends stealing from them buying drugs maybe sharing if it was lsd of ecstasy and partying i was kicked out yet again.
So i packed up and moved back to my little town. On my way back my family told me the only way they would help me was to send me detox and then sober living. I fought it at first they had an intervention with me i listened to about one person talk to me and told them to go and fuck themselves as i walked out. Well i broke down and went to detox. Of course i had to get high first so i stole some jewelry from my grandma and bought a 3 pack of heroin and did the last of the xanax i had left (about 20mg) got fucked up as hell and went in. the withdraws i had were fucking terrible shaking and vomiting. Coming off of benzos is really not a fun thing. So for a week i was in detox pretty much just chain smoking (don’t smoke). When i got out i went home for christmas then entered into a sober living.
So for anyone trying to get clean sober living is a joke i pissed clean to get in and thought “man i just need to get a job and to have some responsibility” well i got a job and then a second job in about a week i was working construction during the day and as a cook at nights. I did start going to meetings though i was going to the NA meeting in my area. I could relate to the stories and could relate to not wanting to use. I could even share fairly well and played off that i was doing the work pretty damn well. However i quickly found the guy in the house getting high and joined him before long we were both using the bathroom back to back to get loaded. We would sneak out at night and go pick up a sack. I took a dirty 30 day chip while i was there and i faked 2 drug tests back to back with a whizzinator. But one day as i came back from work they asked to drug test and i didn’t have it on so i got kicked out and quickly the person i was using with. So there i was back on the streets i was living out of my car i still had work so i would go to work and sell drugs to stay high.
I moved back in with a friend who i used to live with earlier on he had got his own house by now. He was still dating that stupid bitch of a girlfriend that i still need to make amends to. I was using still maybe not as much as before but still to much and every day without fail. He had a girl who moved in with him because she was family to one of my other best friends. When she was moving her stuff in she came in and looked at me loaded on the couch and asked if i would help her move some stuff in and she would pay me in heroin. I mean who can pass up that deal right (most people). Within a few weeks before i ended up stealing a check from his cousin and cashing it for drugs. My best friends all told me they no longer wanted to talk to me and to just stay the fuck out of there life so i went on a fucking binge.
I was able to hold this up for a short while but i soon found myself stealing from the restaurant i was working at. I got fired from my job in construction and right after at my job cooking. I took my cash and went to go pick up a sack. When i was waiting on my dealer i was sitting inside a starbucks. The cops walked into just to buy a coffee and when they looked over and saw me the immediately recognized me i guess i had a warrant out for my arrest for stealing the jewelry from my friends parents. When they searched me they found several needles some suboxone and some xanax. So here comes my first stay in jail. I was charged with grand theft for theft of an item over $950 and they had solid proof cause i had sold it at the pawn shop like a fucking idiot. I got 60 days with half in jail. So after 30 days i was turned out with no desire to stop i re- entered into sober living and used the whole time i was shooting people up who didn’t want to do it themselves. I started stealing from my family again and was quickly kicked out of there.
I was back living in my car. I started to steal out of cars to get funds for my addiction. I would only steal from cars that left their doors unlocked but i would still walk away with a few hundred dollars a night which would all go into my arm and into my mouth in a matter of 2 or 3 days. Soon i got arrested again and i spent about 2 weeks in jail for attempting to break into the car i got charged with a probation violation. Lets try this sober living thing one more time right maybe for the 3rd time it will work (insanity).
I entered sober living and a outpatient treatment facility. The night i got out i got high. I had found a gram or so of heroin and a needle that was still loaded in my car that i had lost at some point. I passed the drug test to get into sober living and was high literally 10 minutes later. I was attending meetings and going to outpatient treatment and everywhere i went people thought i had a grip on things they thought i was doing very well in my recovery. I lied about my location just about every time i went out of sober living i was late every night when i came home. I soon moved sober livings to a sober living with a much better reputation. I got clean before i got into the sober living. So i passed the drug test to get in and started using again immediately. It was slowly getting harder and harder to just get out of bed in the morning. I was so completely depressed i wanted to die by this point i hated everyone and everything i just wanted to get high and sleep. If i was awake i was miserable. Well i lasted about 3 weeks faking drug tests before i got caught. At this point my grandma took me in she thought she could keep me sober i guess witch was a fucking joke. I was ordering xanax, DMT, LSD, and Fentanyl to her house. I used constantly while she tried to keep an eye on me. I found a job and quickly got fired for no real reason though probably because i was high at work. Than i got a job that i loved one of my favorite jobs i've ever had. I was living with my grandma and this gay guy who was also trying to be controlling of me ( i say gay just as a reference i actually liked him alot). They tried to control my money and where i went, of course i just turned back to my extremely manipulative ways. They were ok with me drinking and smoking weed so i just got fucked up every night and did fentanyl so if they decided to drug test i would be clean.
Well i ended up getting arrested at one point for stealing from a tip jar and got a petty theft and was help over the weekend. I didn’t work that weekend so i was right back to work. My grandma thought i was doing well at this point i don't know how. I yelled at her and her roommate just about every fucking day. Yet still they got me my medical card they opened the door to me and i managed to not steal from them i had finally gotten over that habit of stealing from my family at least right. Small progress in the light of where i was headed. My grandma made me go see a therapist while i was staying and i was using maybe not extremely heavily but was still using. He told me he knew i would do well because the way i talked about addiction and recovery were the ways only someone doing recovery could talk about it. However i had never worked a step in my life. He did however talk to my grandpa and get him back in my life and i will forever be grateful to that therapist for doing that for me. I guess it goes to show how good addicts of any kind can act if it means helping the addiction.
My grandma was supposed to leave for several month and she wanted me to rent one of the rooms with her roommate while she was gone. That plan was going all right till one night when her roommate decided to try and argue about how much i would pay for rent when i was coming home from work and fairly drunk. I ended up yelling at him and shoving him out of my way trying to get to bed. My grandma came out because of the screaming and i was fucking done with it. About 2 days later i moved out and moved in with some friends who lived on the other end of town. It was a party house where they through shows and there was constantly a bunch of people over. I lived with my friend who was the first person to ever give me heroin which i was ok with he was one of the nicest people i knew. I was sleeping on a couch and there were 2 others sleeping in the living room with me also there were 4 others living in the house. I quickly went right back to large quantities of heroin and started to drink daily. Every day when i got off work i would grab a 64 ounce beer from the tap and drink it before i clocked out. Then i would stop on the way home and steal some grey goose and a few 12 packs of beer. Everyone in the house drank so it was just easier to drink than do anything else. I don't really know how i felt while living there i was constantly exhausted and fucked up. I really just remember feeling emotionless.
I use to sit in my car out front and shoot up before coming inside or wait for a sack with my friend. Although i did enjoy some aspects of life, my grandpa and i were seeing each other and flying drones together again and we were both getting good at it. He knew i wasn’t doing well but he loved me and as long as i wasn’t super fucked up around him he was willing to spend that time with me. I always looked forward to those moments. But even the best of times is not good enough motivation to keep you sober. The friend i was living with found a girlfriend who was only 16 and she was a very nice girl however it was definitely weird. But i guess they were both just feeding off each other she was using him to get high he was using her for emotional support. Anyways i use to get him heroin all the time and i knew she was getting high too. Back at the house things were the same an endless stream of alcohol and people. Work was the same i had started to go over to my bosses house with a co-worker of ours and drink beer and play Magic the Gathering for hours on end.
Around the end of november the house i was living changed drastically. My friend got kicked out the other person living in the living room moved out, and one of the rooms opened up. So i started renting that room. This was probably one of the more depressing times in my life. I had found some new dealers who were getting straight from the border so i started to deal again but a lot more efficiently than before. I was picking up about a ounce a day of witch i was using around 3 grams a day of. My xanax use was back to being out of control blacking out being the usual case. I thought i was functioning fine because somehow fucked up me thrives in kitchens. I will do a night with 200 people without a mistake so if i can still function how could i possible have a problem. Also i can still drive fairly good. Of course their was also that time i stole that car when blacked out and drove it around for several days picking up sacks and eating xanax like candy. I had gotten so fucked up that night i had broken my arm and didn’t realize it for 2 days till i came to my senses a little and realized i couldn’t move it.
My drug use started to get so bad i was having a hard time functioning so i started to use cocaine to keep myself awake. Not that it was much against heroin but i could do a shot of it and it would keep me awake long enough to go drop off my next sack. I guess at some point in here my friends girlfriend almost overdosed and had to go to the hospital. I could reason with myself that i had not given her the drugs and that she was alright now. I also just really didn’t care because i was so fucked up all the time. Well my boss started to notice how often i was “using the restroom” and knew exactly what that meant. He told me i needed to get some help and get sober or he was going to fire me.
My friend ended up getting arrested for warrants i guess he had out for him for a while for probation violations. So he was out of the picture i was on my last string at work and i was living in a room alone. I woke up every morning in withdraw shitting myself and throwing up. I use to have to mix my morning shot on the toilet as my guts were spilling out of me from both ends but as soon as i did that shot i was fine. There were several times i was driving to my deals house throwing up out my door as i was driving. Mixing up a shot while i'm vomiting looking up for half a second just to register because i couldn’t stop throwing up. My cocaine use was getting up there to i was barely making enough sales to support my own addiction and i ended up going and stealing from cars to pay my rent and buy some booze for parties. Well this went on for a while and i started to look into rehabs in my area. I had a friend of mine send me a list of rehabs and found 2 or 3 i thought sounded good and was going to go at the beginning of next month down to one. It was the end of January and i was asleep in bed at about 4.30 in the morning when i get a call for my friends girlfriend crying begging me to come get her well she was in withdraws she told me she would give me 10 bucks and a couple valium. I really didn’t want to go i had just picked up another sack and had already eaten like a 25mg mix of xanax and klonopin. But i got my ass out of bed and drove over there i pulled out the new batch that i had got that day and hadn’t broken into yet. I gave her about a .1 and did a .5 for myself. I mixed a little bit of coke in with mine so i would be able to drive back home. The next thing i remember is being woken up by the cops with a needle still in my arm. She was overdosing in my passenger seat and didn’t respond as i screamed her name. I was hardly coherent. They told me she was alive and that i was fucked then took me to jail.
I was in the holding cell from 6 in the morning till 6 at night. I remember none of it i was nodded out the whole time i was fucked up as hell in my intake picture. I told them when i came in i was withdrawing from benzos. They got me to the doctors that night. And when i told them how much benzos i was taking on a daily bases they didn’t believe me i weighed about 135 pounds and am 6” tall. They thought i was fucking with them but had no choice but to put me on a taper down system. So for 4 weeks they tapered me off benzos with klonopin starting at 2 mg 3 times a day. Even that i didn’t feel whatsoever. I threw up every meal they fed me for the first week i was in there till finally i could eat again. I spent 11 months in jail and my court case went on for 7 months before we came to a deal. While i was in there i managed to sober up and actually enjoy myself. I was having money put on my books i could have bought drugs if i had wanted them but i had no desire. While in there i met a pastor called john and although i wasn’t fully on board with the whole christian thing and i don’t know if i ever will be i did start praying just to stop having dreams of using. And slowly they past. I made some very good friends while i was in there, and got really good at handball
When finally my court case was over i was sentenced to 2 years with half in county and a 1 year residential drug treatment. While i was in there i got reconnected with my old day care providers from when i was a kid. It had been years since i had seen them. And they did amazing things for me they helped me in ways they will never know. They gave me a place to live when i got out. And when i got out i did move in for a short while before i got to rehab. I spent a month waiting to get into rehab and in that month i started to go to church it didn’t really speak to me that much but it was a good community i was apart of and i appreciated that. I had good times with my family. And something happened i thought was a lost hope, my friends came back. The girl i loved had found a new boyfriend and was no longer using while her ex was still out there using. My hard working mexican friend was back to just drinking a lot and the new boyfriend ended up being a really great guy. I contacted her when i got out and she came over and met me. We had an amazing night and the next night i met her boyfriend and we went and saw a movie together. The next day we went to a concert and my other friend rode with us it was weird at first because he still didn’t want to talk to me but quickly all of us were right back to our old selves. I felt that friendship we had lost through drugs come back right away and although it may not have being perfect it was a true comfort. Than i met my girlfriend, of all places on OK cupid. I had no intention of meeting a girlfriend but as i said earlier in this story sometimes you can't control how you feel about someone. We went on our first date and i knew i loved her pretty much right away. We were only together a couple days though before i had to leave to rehab.
So recovery is weird and amazing and fun. I act more ridiculous and have more fun now than i ever did getting high. When i got to rehab i put on my happy face and was just ready to act it out, that's not what happened. When i got here i couldn’t tell my elbow from my asshole but i could tell a dime from a 20 sack. I was good at acting though really good at it. I was “happy” all the time i was loud and made a lot of jokes at the expense of others and somehow fell right into the crowd here that was actually doing a lot of work in their recovery. The program i'm at told me to get a sponsor so i got a sponsor a few days after i got here. Before i did them i thought the steps were pointless i truly thought self knowledge was the answer to my problems. I just assumed if i understood my problem i could see what was causing it and stay away from it. But alcohol and drugs are so cunning baffling and powerful i don't think anyone fully understands it. So i read the first 60 pages of Alcoholics Anonymous and started on my steps. I didn’t understand what i was doing while i did them like at all. However i did them to the best of my ability i didn’t have a whole lot else to do. I did my 4th step and hed about 140 people on my resentments sheet, well i soon realized why we did the resentments and it has nothing to do with what people have done to you, it takes a whole knew perspective on things and does not allow for you to twist it to make you look good. You own your part now no more hiding it'd be fucking scary if i knew what i was doing when i started it but i will say that was the most worthwhile thing i've ever done in my life.
I had made a lot of friends in here and the things that have happened to us is far stranger than what happened to me in normal life. That is probably because we can act ridiculous and be ourselves because we don’t have anything to hide. We had rooms with 5 people in them and the bed next to me was owned by who is one of the better friends i have ever know Adam (he requested on being named). I had many other friends but he was normally who i would go out with and who could act even stranger than i could. I remember one day we were walking down the street yelling at tweakers and this chick walked to up and straight looked at us and asked him if he wanted to go with her. She was obviously high on something like LSD or mushrooms. I mean she was a cute little latina chick with glasses and her butt hanging out of her shorts what else would you do so needles to say he ditched me. I was signed out with him cause i was earlier in the program and need to sign out with someone to go out. Well somehow he got laid and we managed to make it back separately without getting noticed. However he got put on a relationship contract because he was seen with her and you are not supposed to be in a relationship.
Well my relationship is still going and from the day i got here i started to write her letters every night and after 30 days when i could use the phone i started to call her as well. This was a seriously hard relationship but somehow we have made it work. She told me from the start how much she respected my recovery and has not stepped that boundary the whole time. But i will say that i have seen in this program a lot of good people go out because something happened between them and their lady. I was lucky to have her though she has kept my head focused plenty of times when i would have otherwise drifted off. I truly believe whatever is out there put us together at this point on purpose.
So i did my step work my sponsor took me through them really fast. I did my fifth step which i really didn’t realize how much that would do for me but i actually felt a lot of relief from doing it. 6 and 7 was a few days later my sponsor said that's were he felt the release but i felt mine around 9. On 9 it seemed mechanical at first like i was just printing out amends in a very robotic way. But as i started to get responses to them they started to mean more and more to me. Obviously i have fucked over a lot of people throughout my addiction. It was incredibly strange to get responses to amends from people i just assumed would never get a response from or who would tell me to fuck off and have them be super positive. A Lot of people owned their end of it. However i also have friends i thought would forgive me who told me not to ever contact them again. Tell you what though even those amends felt good because it was never about the response it was that i need to see how i act, how i react, how selfish i've being, and how i have always held contempt before investigation on everything in my life. Nothing can hold us back in this program more than a attitude of intolerance or indifference .
"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which can not fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation." --HERBERT SPENCER
Well soon enough i found myself actually enjoying life, it was no longer a show and i no longer had to live the incredibly tiring life of acting it out. Now i should make something clear this in no way means i am a model citizen i still love to act like an idiot. But not looking over your shoulder for the cops cause you know you aren't breaking any laws definitely helps. And being happy doesn’t mean i'm always in a super good mood, everyone who knows me knows to not talk to me in the morning until i've had a cup of coffee in my system and really probably not before like 10-11 am i going to actually seem human. However people who have known me for awhile also know i'm nothing like what i use to be in a good way. The 10th and 11th step changed a lot about the way i act in situations. I was never someone who would have told you i was wrong while someone is screaming in my face or thank you for doing your job as you hand me piece of paper saying i am in trouble and just own that i fucked up. Although i'm not perfect and i still get caught in it from time to time, i was never someone who would have just walked about while people were gossiping about someone else. Today i don't care the only inventory i can take is my own i can be there for you to vent to and take your own inventory out loud but it's not my job to make assumptions.
As for the 11th step i've meditated through most of my life but to make it a practice to do first thing when i wake up in the morning as really changed a lot about myself. To when i'm in a stressful situation give it up realize i have no control over who you are or how you act and just pray for the strength to take the next right step in life. There is also the matter of doing a nightly inventory which is usually about the last thing when i am dead tired crawling into bed but for some reason it keeps me in the moment and i notice when i don’t do it. Essentially i have no clue how the steps work other than allow you to see you for who you really are and invite the growth you need. And to keep you realizing that the growth is never done. It is a life time of spiritual growth.
Well i have made a lot of friends in rehab and i got through the steps in about 60 days. So now i'm stuck on 12 cause i can’t sponsor anyone for the year i am in rehab. This may be a good thing though cause until recently i really don’t know if i was ready. However while here Adam and i took over a big book study about 3 months in. i am fairly well spoken when it comes to public speaking, so why not. I would be lying if i said it went off without a hitch. However we quickly saw more of our character defects and how we hold/portray ourselves. It gave us the perfect opportunity to grow in that way and we did quite quickly. I have a far better knowledge of the big book now than i ever imagined i would in my life. I get what they say now when a sponsor tells you he learns more from you and you help him (or her) more than they help you. In that book study i have no idea how much i've helped people but i know being responsible for that has pushed me to study, find history behind things find out about bill wilson's crazy past and push farther down that rabbit hole endlessly. And more than anything i get excited doing it, it is about the farthest thing from work i can imagine.
This program has done more for me though than just step work. Although step work is the most important thing that has happened while i've being here. They have given me a safe place to work on myself in so many different aspects. They make you take different kinds of classes while you are here, codependency class was probably my favorite one, pretty much we got to learn how to deal with crazy ass people. And at the end of the class we had a beautiful display from one of the crazy residents here who was in class with us. He some how managed to display every sort of thing that we had talked about as crazy people in a matter of 10 minutes. I think everyone got super uncomfortable but i fucking loved it and thought it was about the funniest thing ever. But that class just solidified things i had already being learning about this complex crazy thing we call human interaction. There are millions of different personality types in the world and i have had to learn to just accept them for what they are and do my best to not get resentful at someone just because they are sick mentally or spiritually in some way or another i'm no better i'm sick in my very own way. This program has really taught me a lot about accepting the world, my whole life i have upset at the state of the world constantly thinking what can i do about it. I have learned the only thing i can do is to live the way i want the world to be and hope it rubs off on a person or two. Show love where there is no love and show hope for the future when things seem so bleak cause the only thing we can do is look for the next right step. I like to think of life like rock climbing when you are on a sheer cliff surface you can’t always see the whole picture you can only look for the next grip to pull you up.
Now i don’t always take the next right step sometimes i slip. Like when i was going on a home pass. I told the rehab i was going to my family's house when instead i was actually going to San Fransisco to go spend the weekend with my girlfriend. Honestly it was one of the most amazing weekends of my life when i was in it. I have never had a sober vacation like that before. It was great in the moment because i am good at enjoying the moment now, however coming home was different. The second i walked in the door i was overwhelmed by a sense of shame. The next day i had to tell on myself, this program gives a lot of slack they just ask you don’t lie when directly asked something. I couldn’t lie and that is about the weirdest thing ever to me, my whole life has being me lying to every person around me my family, friends, co-workers if you were around me i lied. Today i feel so much shame in lying because i have finally experienced the feeling of not having anything to hide. I'd rather tell the truth and suffer some level of consequence than live with the feeling of hiding my whole life.
I still deal with lots of things here there are people here who bug the living hell out of me. I am one of the dinner cooks here we feed 45 guys in the house and about 120 homeless a night. The cooking actually is fun the hard part is having the kitchen manager over my shoulder all the time stressing out. Or the guy who when you tell him something annoys you he continues to push that button endlessly. Or the guy who insists he is right on every subject even when he has absolutely no clue what he is talking about. There is also seperation from my girlfriend that is not easy it's hard to rarely ever get to see her not that i don’t ever get to see her but it's like a weekend out of a month. Why she stays with me i have no clue. There is obviously a desire to work but where i am at i have about a month and a half till i can get a job. I guess what this program has done for me is learn to accept things the way they are. To realize its not my job to fix things in the world no matter how much i would like to. Also to see that i can only change my actions and responses to things, to ask what can i bring to the situation not say it's their fault or job. Recovery has taught me to ask for help, to daily check and see if i'm holding anything back, and to ask for help when i need it. I can do my best with recovery.
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2016.12.11 18:13 Throwingitaway343 I was her first.

We met on Ok Cupid, because the internet is my only tried-and-true way of meeting women. We got together for coffee, and I was pleasantly surprised.
I'd been on a lot of dates lately--all of them lackluster. The girls were lovely, but I wasn't attracted to them. I guess I could say I'm picky. Nothing physical happened with them, because that's the default with girls. Unless someone defies cultural conditioning and breaks from the passivity, nothing will happen.
But back to this girl. She was cute. Short hair with an androgynous way of dressing. Pretty face. Our conversation was light and she seemed to appreciate my eccentric way of speaking. We had a lot in common, and she checked off most, if not all, of the boxes on my "wish list." Hardworking, dedicated, intelligent, prioritizes health and fitness, outdoorsy, funny, politically progressive, and not feminine. We stayed until the coffee shop closed, and made a date for later in the week.
She came over to my apartment and made dinner. She studies nutrition, so I figured dinner would be pretty good. Nope. It was fantastic (and nutritious). We had a few drinks, and neither of us wanted to part ways, so I suggested watching something. She had never seen the L Word, so I put on the pilot episode. I figured it was staple that every lady gay should see, and also fun if not cringey to watch. As the time went on, we got closer on my couch. At one point I brushed my hand down her leg. I had determined that she was not an initiator, which was strange for me, as my penchant for dating butchy ladies meant that I rarely had to be the initiator (gendered norms, amirite?). She didn't react, so I pulled my hand back. Was she not into it? She was sitting close, touching me, and she could have left hours ago--was she just that shy?
Turns out, yes. After another episode ended, I finally took the plunge. "Dinner was great. You're an amazing cook," I started. "You're also very cute."
"So are you."
I put my hand back on her leg and faced her, moving my lips toward hers until we kissed. She was kissing back. Phew. I moved my hand to the back of her head and ran my fingers through her cropped hair. I love touching short, soft women's hair. We kissed more. I climbed on top of her on my couch, and she began undressing me. It was all going slow, much slower than I was used to, but it was nice. I could savor it.
In this slow undressing I began to wonder if maybe she didn't have much experience with this. I'm not sure anything specific tipped me off. As a seasoned veteran I guess there was a certain pace and general routine I was used to, that was a bit different this time. I asked if she wanted to move to my bed, and she agreed.
When I laid her on my bed, she told me, "This is my first time."
As someone whose first time was disastrous, I knew I had to make sure she was spared that experience. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, yeah," she said. "I'm good."
"Just tell me if you want me to stop, or slow down, or try something different."
We both also admitted we were on our period (apparently two dates is enough to sync up already), so I wanted to keep it simple with both of us, uh, plugged up with various menstrual products. I went down on her, savoring every taste and feeling her body shake beneath me after only a few seconds. After maybe a minute of two, her shaking reached it zenith, and she began to calm, breathing heavy. She told me she came. I laid with her until she said she wanted to try.
She ate my pussy, gently, and I made sure to let her know when she was in a good spot. She got me to the point of orgasm, which after enjoying, I brought some levity to the moment. "So are you still gay?"
She laughed and told me yes, she was.
I invited her to spend the night, which she did. We lay together, warm in my bed, and before we fell asleep, she said, "Thank you."
"No, thank you."
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2016.11.01 08:13 Skysparks Crazy about a girl, how should I let her know I've got feelings for her?

Just spent a couple of hours with a friend from lectures to see a movie and talk afterwards. It wasn't explicitly a date, more so us hanging out and watching a movie after she asked me to a couple of days back. Being gay, I'm incidentally incredibly attracted to her.
She's hugely into Steven Universe which is basically a show highlighting various non-hetero identities (no, I haven't seen this show, but she loves talking about it). She's also previously told me she's straight, but she doesn't know I was aware of her bisexual ok cupid profile from several months ago. I still haven't told her I was aware, cause I don't want to make her uncomfortable.
Anyway, I guess I really want to know how to make my attraction to her clear etc. Because I had a thousand chances to touch her idly on the thigh or whatever today but I couldn't bring myself to. I'm always thinking about her personal space etc. Any tips for letting her know I'm interested without getting slapped in the face would be great haha. Also any cheesy stuff for letting her know I have a soft spot for her would be appreciated. Thanks fellow raptors and lgbt people! :)
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2016.05.30 20:24 TequilaMockingbirdy First official date planned after coming out!!

So about a month or so ago I finally fessed up to myself and admitted no, I wasn't bisexual as I'd always thought, I'm gay! I announced this to the girls over at /trollxchromosomes and they directed me here - and then upon reading maybe the 5th post about how hard it is to date in everyday life as a lesbian I joined OkCupid! I'd spoken to quite a few very lovely girls over the course of this month, but this is the one girl that's REALLY kept my attention: I was nervously anticipating her reply after every message! And now today I finally asked her out officially and she said YES! We've set a date and everything, and are now just going back and forth over date-ideas!
GAH I'm so happy!! Everything feels like it's changing in such a short period of time but I'm really loving it: I just feel like this is one of those months I'm going to remember for the rest of my life!
Any tips so that i'm not so nervous on the date?? I'm such a goofball when I get nervous!
submitted by TequilaMockingbirdy to actuallesbians [link] [comments]


2016.02.16 21:48 roxy55 Girls on Grindr

I'm a bi girl looking to date/hook up with a bi guy. I've tried OK Cupid but I haven't had much luck. A bunch of my straight guy friends have suggested I make a profile on Grindr to meet bi guys.. But I know Grindr is a gay hook up/ dating app. My questions are directed to any gay bros that use Grindr.. Is it wrong of me to make a Grindr profile? Should I stay off Grindr? What would you do if you came across a female on Grindr? Have you come across any females on Grindr? Any tips for how I can meet more bi guys? I'm living just outside of Toronto if that helps.
Thanks bros! <3
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2015.08.03 05:39 OhNoNotAgain233 Attracted to a woman I never used to be attracted to, all of a sudden.

It used to be "girls, man" but I am no longer in my 20s, so now it's "women, man."
I like a woman I see at a weekly group get-together. I never looked at her as someone I'd be interested in until one day, all of a sudden, I felt mildly attracted to and somewhat intrigued by her. Is there a name for that?
Anyway, it probably has to do with her being really nice to me and paying a bit of slight special (prob reading too much into it, but let me have my moments) attention to me. I thought hmmm, I wonder if she's gay. She's hard to read.
Then I logged in to OkCupid (online dating is horrible) for the first time in a month or two. Hit the browse (same old people) but then I see her. I was a little surprised.
So now comes the tricky awkward part of gauging her interest in me. Very hard. Very tricky. And I have been hurt way too much for this shit. Any tips?
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2015.01.23 06:27 RedditAnalysisBot /r/buddhism Drilldown January 2015

/buddhism Drilldown

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submitted by RedditAnalysisBot to SubredditAnalysis [link] [comments]


2015.01.16 02:48 RedditAnalysisBot /r/bigdickproblems Drilldown January 2015

/bigdickproblems Drilldown

Subreddit Similarity
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submitted by RedditAnalysisBot to SubredditAnalysis [link] [comments]


2015.01.16 00:35 RedditAnalysisBot /r/smalldickproblems Drilldown January 2015

/smalldickproblems Drilldown

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2015.01.06 00:36 crimsonsurvey I want to hear your thoughts on my thoughts on racial preferences

Hey, everyone. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about racial preferences, probably because of recent events and the fact that this stuff just generally intrigues me. Below are my thoughts on the issue and responses to some of the key points raised in "the debate."
 
Not sure why exactly I chose /gaymers, but it's probably because I've always felt really comfortable here and I can usually depend on the people here for commentary about issues in the gay community (although this obviously isn't an issue limited to the gay community). It would be great to hear what you think!
 
Below are my thoughts, theories and evidence On Racial Preferences
 
Why do you care? Can’t you just leave it alone?
 
We know that racial preferences matter. If something affects you, for good or for worse, it’s not wrong for you to learn about it and why it does or does not work.
 
What’s in a racial preference?
 
Let’s start with the word “preference.” When it comes to our racial sexual preferences, I think many of us can agree that they aren’t typical preferences. I prefer hamburgers to hot dogs. I’ll eat both, but when offered a choice between a hamburger and a hot dog, I’ll go with the hamburger; however, in the online dating world, for example, when a person expresses their racial “preferences,” in many cases, they are defining who they absolutely will and absolutely will not go out with. For this reason, I am tempted to call them “racial absolutes,” but I will simply say “racial preferences” because that’s how most people use them.
 
Where do racial preferences come from?
 
Racial preferences are interesting.
 
To understand why I say this, take two countries that we would think of as “racially homogeneous”: China and Zimbabwe. You wouldn’t expect the typical Chinese man to find Chinese women unattractive, and you wouldn’t expect the typical Zimbabwean man to find Zimbabwean women unattractive. It’s probably a stupid question to ask if people are generally attracted to those who live in their country because if they didn’t, populations would surely crumble from people moving away and the other childless, sexually frustrated people sitting around and pouting.
 
That said, it probably wouldn’t be as surprising to you if you found out that the typical Chinese man found Zimbabwean women unattractive or if the typical Zimbabwean man found Chinese women unattractive. After all, we expect that people will be attracted to at least some of the millions of people they were raised around but not necessarily to foreigners or a group of people they have not seen before.
 
But if I told you a woman raised in Indianapolis was straight and another woman raised in Phoenix was gay, you wouldn’t say, “Ah! That’s because Phoenix is a gay city, and so it’s more likely that a woman raised there would be gay!” Of course not. Telling you where a person is from will not help at all when trying to figure out which sex(es) they are attracted to. Preference for a certain sex, as far as we know, is largely due to our internal programming. Racial preferences seem to tell a different story.
 
People think that our sex preferences just sort of “happen” to us. I’m on board with that. But then people seem to think our racial preferences also just sort of “happen” to us when there are clear patterns in the world that say we should look deeper into the issue.
 
Around this point, some people might want to say that our preferences result from the fact that we just have a natural tendency to be attracted to people who look like us. After some digging, I found more people simply saying the previous sentence than actual studies supporting it. Yes, there were studies saying that people are attracted to those like themselves, but these often centered around traits like physical fitness, personality and attractiveness. I noticed two counts of Wikipedia looping in ethnicity with the other traits but not citing a study about ethnicity and attractiveness. (In one of the studies Wikipedia wanted to use, instead of ethnicity, it was literally just about hair length.) The one study I did find on the subject did not find evidence for some natural tendency for people to be attracted to those who look like themselves. And if you look at the OkCupid data I linked to at the top of my post, you will not see strong indications of people being more attracted to others of their race. Plus, even if it is true, we are talking about preferences. So even if you're purple and you "prefer" to date purple people, that does not explain why you absolutely would not date a green person. If anything, this evidence should raise some red flags about a “natural tendency” theory that explains all of a person's racial preferences.
 
My point? Because there seems to be a stronger relationship between a person’s racial preferences and where they live versus a person’s racial preferences and genetics, I suggest that we take more seriously the idea of somehow getting these preferences from our environment.
 
How would we acquire these preferences?
 
Aside from our innately held universals of beauty, such as facial symmetry and facial averageness, we go out into the world and experience, explore, deduce, associate, etc., and somehow our preferences are formed. Our brains, without us necessarily knowing it, are constantly going “this good,” “this bad,” “this good,” “this bad,” “this ok,” “this bad.”
 
Our racial preferences arise when we (unintentionally and unknowingly) assign different values and qualities to different racial groups and typical features of those racial groups; we hold some races in higher regard than others, not based on some sort of genetic programming or scientific experimentation, but from our own personal (again, unintentional and without our knowing) conclusions, whether they be right or wrong.
 
Ironically enough, the previously mentioned Wikipedia citation finds evidence that people associate hair with different traits of attractiveness depending on its length (without knowing it!).
 
So what am I saying? Are racial preferences prejudiced? Well * if there’s no genetic inclination to have a racial preference and they aren’t magically granted to us * yet we still somehow end up saying “this one is good” and “this one is bad,” * then we are probably judging people based off of our experiences * and those experiences probably formed some incorrect conclusions about the world,
 
and so yes, I say yes. But since I can’t prove there’s no genetic inclination or magic involved, given the current evidence, I can only say ‘very probably.’
 
Isn’t racism when you wouldn’t hire someone for a job or pick them to be on your football team because of their race?
 
Ok, ok, not being attracted to a specific race does not necessarily mean that you would be less likely to hire them for a job or pick them to be on your football team, but at the very least, it is prejudice with respect to attractiveness, and we often judge someone’s attractiveness based on traits like intelligence or physical fitness, which means… maybe you would be less likely to hire them for a job or pick them to be on your football team if you find them less attractive.
 
Example? I think purple people are weaklings. I like to be dominated in bed, so I don’t find purple people sexually attractive. When it’s time to choose between a purple person and a green person to be on my football team, I end up choosing the green person.
 
(Actually, we know that being more attractive makes a person more likely to be selected for a job or a team. There are countless studies on this topic. Wikipedia is a good place to start.)
 
In short, the traits that make people successful in attractiveness can often be the traits that make people more generally successful in life.
 
Is it sexist to not be attracted to men?
 
Context matters. First off, that is awful logic. You’re saying that because two things have the same consequence – in this case, not wanting to have sex with someone – then they have the same cause? You’re saying that if being a straight woman isn’t sexist against men, then only finding silver people attractive isn’t racist?
 
Let’s say I don’t eat broccoli and my friend doesn’t drink milk. I happen to not eat broccoli because I don’t like the taste. By that logic, my friend doesn’t drink milk because he doesn’t like its taste. But that’s wrong! My friend doesn’t drink milk because he’s lactose intolerant. Two different causes, same result.
 
Similarly, sexual preferences can have different causes.
 
When wouldn’t a preference be racist?
 
Exception? If the racial preference is not based on character or trait valuation of the group as a whole and features associated with them. Like if you had a gene that made you only fall in love with blue people. In that case, your brain isn’t constantly going “this good” “this bad” when figuring out what it means for a race or typical features of that race to be attractive. You aren’t unreasonably devaluing one race to elevate another, it’s just given.
 
Why can’t people just date their own?
 
People always seem to come up with this “us vs. them” mentality. There’s Team Red and Team Blue and they can only work with their own teammates. They can do things separately and achieve the same results.
 
Separate, but equal.
 
I think it would surprise people to learn that we aren’t living in separate, happy worlds. For example, black people in the US show bias against black people too. They have done this historically and they can do this without thinking they do (see “Race Attitudes”). If you want to hear people say this yourself, look at this video of young black children here (“brown looks nasty for some reason”).
 
Like it or not, we’re all in this together. We are all vulnerable to the same misperceptions.
 
Are you saying I have to be attracted to everyone?
 
Of course not. I happen to weigh personality and interests much more than something like race. In a world where the other person does too, if we’re compatible in those two categories, then it’s a match!
 
tl;dr: Prejudice isn’t limited to being a member of the KKK. You can have prejudice tendencies without knowing it.
 

One of my favorite quotes:
 
“The first type of error is that when we think about why people do what they do, we invariably focus on factors like incentives, motivations, and beliefs, of which we are consciously aware. As sensible as it sounds, decades of research in psychology and cognitive science have shown that this view of human behavior encompasses just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. It doesn't occur to us, for example, that the music playing in the background can influence our choice of wine at the liquor store, or that the font in which a statement is written may make it more or less believable; so we don't factor these details into our anticipation of how people will react. But they do matter, as do many other apparently trivial or seemingly irrelevant factors. In fact, as will see, it is probably impossible to anticipate everything that might be relevant to a given state situation. The result is that no matter how carefully we try to put ourselves in someone else's shoes, we are likely to make serious mistakes when predicting how they'll behave anywhere outside of the immediate here and now.” – Duncan J. Watts, Everything is Obvious
submitted by crimsonsurvey to gaymers [link] [comments]


2014.12.15 01:08 RedditAnalysisBot2 /r/exmormon Drilldown December 2014 (Subreddit Bans Disabled)

/exmormon Drilldown

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submitted by RedditAnalysisBot2 to SpeedyAnalysis [link] [comments]


2014.08.20 00:01 RedditAnalysisBot /r/psychology Drilldown August 2014 (Defaults Enabled)

/psychology Drilldown

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2014.06.06 20:51 tabledresser [Table] IamA Sex Worker AMA!

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Date: 2014-06-06
Link to submission (Has self-text)
Questions Answers
Who is your daddy and what does he do? My "Daddy" (aka Dom) is also a sex worker. One of the few male sex workers I know of that is not Gay or super fit. He is a large, wooly man, and an amazing Dom and lover.
What is the demographic for your most common clientele? Age-wise, mid thirties to mid fourties. I also draw the nerdy/aspie (their term, not mine!) crowd because I'm First-Timer-Friendly, and a big geek/nerd myself ;)
Ah ok cool! Thanks for answering! :) Would you say most sex workers are First-Timer-Friendly? And would you recomend letting them know if it is your first time? Sorry for the question bombardment. I can't speak to "most" of anything. I would like to HOPE that they are. As with any job, I have little patience for people who are just in if for the $. If you can't put effort into what you do, and find some enjoyment out of it, FIND ANOTHER JOB! The most important advice that I give for any client, first timer or not, is make sure that you form a connection. They need to feel like you are People. Be approachable. Even a high protocol Dom/me can fit this into their mannerisms.
Being a nerd/aspie myself, I would really like to know. Are they very awkward and nervous? Because I would expect myself to be. Do you think they still have a good time? Do you think they get something out of it despite the immediate satisfaction? Somewhat shy and awkward, but I try to pull them out of that as much as possible. I'm a big cuddler and kisser. I like to chat. I find something they can ramble on a b out, and encourage them to do so. But the nervousness and awkwardness doesn't bother me. Its part of who they are and I like and enjoy who they are. -YES they still have a good time! Eventually, hormones or instincts or whatever, take over, and they relax and let go and enjoy themselves :) As do I :) -Many of my aspie/nerd clients make great strides in their personal lives after as session with me. tires not to sound full of herself
That's awesome that you take such a great approach to your work! Also thank you for the great answers and advice!! Thank you, and you're welcome :)
I'm a socially awkward guy and all my sexual experience is based on alcohol. So I visited a prostitute once when I was sober. I was so nervous, I didn't get hard. Since then I'm scared to take a girl home, even I got some chances in the past, just because of the fear to not be able to satisfy her. Do you have any tips for me how I can change that? Find someone who won't be judgmental if you can't get it up. Keep in mind that toys, hands, and mouths are a way to satisfy her. But tbh, practice makes perfect. I've had casual partners who couldn't get it up the first few times because of nervousness. I don't take it personally. And I share their triumph when they get over it!
There is no such thing as "JUST" being able to relax, but the more you worry about it, the more it's going to happen, so try to distract yourself with other things. A porno, some loud music, etc.
Thank you for answering this. What you describing is exactly what I need to get over it, but I assume a lot girls don't have the patience or think it's because I'm not sexually attracted to them. The key is open communication. It sounds corny, but the dating sites that I'm on? I have little patience for people who can't be bothered to fill out their profiles. The more I can find out about you by reading your profile, the more I can easily communicate with you. Or, if you don't fill in the profile, at least be an engaging conversationalist! Anyway, in context, my point is this: Admit that this is a hurdle you are attempting to overcome, and seek out people who are willing to help you overcome it! Ask, and you shall receive...
You sound so lovely, when I read your answers, so different to the girl I visited. Such a pity you're not living nearby. :)
How did you fall into this line of work ? was it along the lines of " i like sex and i like porn so why not ? " I actually started as a Life Coach, and just added the intimate components because it made sense. But I'm also a kinkster: I've been a live-in sub as well as live-in Domme, so I've got a lot of BDSM experience as well. If you're good at something that you love to do, why not charge for it?
What do you think you will do once you can't continue in this line of work? Because I focus on sensuality as well as sexuality, I can honestly say that I think I can continue in this line of work until I'm ready to "retire". But worst case scenario, I have many other skills. I have worked management level in the food service industry, as well as in an office environment. I have other employable skills, I just choose to use these ones ;)
With that you have won the Web for today if not the week. :) heh. bows Thank you! Thank you! bows again And let me follow that up by saying that just because you CAN fuck for hours, doesn't mean you should! duckwalks
Let's see: non racial bias, size neutral, endurance openness... Yes. Win confirmed. ;P. You sound like an awesome person. Refreshingly honest! of course your size & endurance stance has no relevance to me... I'll expect the trophy in the mail ;)
How did your friends/parents think of you once they found out you do this for a living? My parents do not know. My sister thinks I'm crazy, but is distantly supportive. Most of my friends are very supportive, and thinks its intriguing.
Have you ever had a friend as a client? Yes :)
What would you say are your best and worst experiences in the industry so far? My best experiences are the Firsts: Mine and the Clients. There is a huge honour in being someone's first anything.
Worst is when someone invited me over, knowing they had bed-bugs -.-
Bed-bugs? do tell... unzipps pants Forgetting the fact that I happen to have an allergy to bedbug bites, when I mentioned that I thought he might have them, his response was "I didn't think it would be a problem." double facepalm It was one of those character defining moments. I wanted to Hulk out on him. I managed to keep my mostly pleasant demeanor until I was standing naked in my friend's basement while everything I had been wearing went through the dryer on high heat. (Not a sure fire way to kill the fuckers, but its the best I could do as preventative measure. It worked! No infestation!)
This is fascinating! I never thought of this as being a major concern for people in your line of work, but it makes perfect sense. Having your place infested would be the absolute worst, possibly even worse than some STD's I guess if you have expensive furniture and have to get rid of it all. It is my greatest concern, much higher than STD's. People are generally knowledgeable about communicable diseases. Less so about things like lice and bedbugs. Lice, while annoying and labour intensive, are at least fairly easy to get rid of. Bedbugs, less so. People wonder why there have been these hugs pandemics of infestation? Because people believe "I didn't think it would be a problem." If you have bedbugs, do not invite people over. Do not host parties. Do not travel with a bag packed full of your clothes. Bedbugs get everywhere! They do not stay in the mattress! There is no force shield keeping them in your room!
I imagine there is a similar risk for cleaning ladies and door to door sales people.
Hi Angie! Do you still have sex with people who don't pay? Do you have friends with benefits? Are you ever worried about getting an STD? haha sorry for so many questions, I just always wondered! Yes. Yes. I try not to worry, I just be as safe as I can be.
What are some misconceptions you would like to debunk/set the record straight? The number one myth is that "Prostitutes do what they do because they have no other choice" or "are forced to do so". I have had many other jobs. I am self employed, self empowered, and work with a group of people who offer me emotional and networking support. This is how I CHOOSE to make my living. No one suggested it before I'd already considered it, and no one bullied me into it then, or forces me to continue now.
Eh, lets make a disclaimer and say not all prostitutes do what they do because they have no other choice. There is still a large portion that do it because they don't have the means to employ themselves as well otherwise. If you read through some of my other posts, you will find I have waxed poetic on the topic.
Best sex you ever had? Oh, God...Let's see... Disclaimer: I'm Polyamourous. Threesome with my GF and BF. I topped her, then he came down and watched the climax, then topped the pair of us. We were all three very happy afterwards ;)
What do you mean by "topped the pair of us"? We enjoy a D/s (Dominat/submissive) relationship. So he dominated us. in this case, he spanked us for having fun without him, then used us both for his pleasure :) We loved every minute of it.
Do you consider porn addiction a problem? Or something society should accept? Any true addiction is a problem. But society's perception of reality is always a little skewed. If people were honest and did a survey of how much porn they consume, the average would be much higher than Society would like to see, but that doesn't meant there is a problem: It means that people like to feel good!
Your thoughts on anal sex and an rough idea of an appropriate price point? I like anal in my personal life. I don't do anal with clients because there is too much room for accidental injury or pain.
Speaking of accidental injury / pain, what tips or advice for preparation and proper execution of anal sex would you offer? I cannot stress this enough: Foreplay!
If the recipient isn't relaxed, its gonna hurt!
Lube is a must.
Warming up with something like anal beads might be a good idea.
And GO SLOW! Patience is of the utmost importance! Do not push someone past their limits or you're liable to corrupt their desires for future encounters.
What's the most common way you meet your clients? Over the internet: I have a profile on OKC, Fetlife, Facebook, Twitter, etc. People read my blogs, or see my pictures, and strike up a conversation. I'm not shy (hence this thread), so people feel comfortable talking with me, and they realize I'm a People too! lol.
Wait, OKC? OkCupid? Does that actually work? I mean, people actually cruise OKC for professionals like you? A lot of people troll sites like that for NSA encounters. My profile boldly declares that if all you want is that, I'm not personally interested, but that it does fall under my professional purview. I'm there to make friends and find connections. I sometimes end up with clients.
I'd think that it's more time and cost effective to just go to the professionals than troll those sites for one NSA encounter. Numbers game != efficient. As a rule, I agree. I find it offensive that in a forum where it is obvious that I am looking for more, people treat me like meat. There is a place for that! professionally, I see myself as a commodity, and am completely okay with that type of treatment! But keep if off of my Dating Profiles -.- If all you're looking for is sex, go to the places that cater for that!
I apologize on behalf of honorable fellows over the scumbag actions of our more degenerate fellows. Please, nvr apologize for a group of people you belong to, especially your gender. It encourages bigotry (in this case, sexism). But I appreciate the sentiment ;)
Wat. If you apologize for the misdeeds of a group you belong to (males, Reddit peeps, nerds, etc) you give power to the discrimination against that group.
There is always at least one bad apple in a crowd. I know this. I do not hold any individual, nor group, at fault for the actions of one person. Hell! I don't even hate the Conservative government as a whole! Just those responsible for Bill C-36!
How much money do you make per year? I've been fairly low key on the professional front for the past four years as I've struggled with a medical condition, and now finally have a diagnosis, and a way of managing my health, so I don't have a satisfactory answer to this question. Ask me again at the end of next year ;)
I've struggled with my health in recent years, too. I sympathize. It sounds like your condition isn't something you can put behind you, so I'll just say: I hope the next few years treats you better. Thank you :) I'm sorry to hear that you have struggled. The diagnosis I was given was Fibromyalgia. It's not degenerative. Small victories :)
You've said several times already that you love your job, and also that you're in a poly relationship outside of work (yay, polyamory!). It got me wondering, though, how the experience for you differs between sex for work and sex with your partners, on both an emotional and physical level. Well, at work, I'm doing whatever the client wants. I'm still enjoying it! But it's not necessarily scathing all of my itches. Clients don't always want the intense role play that I enjoy in my personal life. I also enjoy a good therapeutic cry, which is not ideal in a work setting. My partners have had years to figure out how to make me scream and writhe. My clients have to work up to it, or ask.
Do you expect you'll ever tell your parents? I'm my mother will outlive my father. I don't want to kill him :P But I'd LOVE to see her reaction! I've told my friends, if they ever have to call my mom because something happened at work, and I wound up in the hospital, that I want my sister there to film my mom's reaction!
Craziest thing you were asked to do? And did you do it? Have sex in an alley next door to a Sex Toy Store (at night). Yes.
Why do you love being a sex worker? Most women are either forced into it or it's their last resort, what is it that makes you want to keep doing what you're doing? I disagree with the that statement. Which is why I am against the new prostitution bill! I am sure that there are those people for whom that is true, just like I'm sure that some Jews are cheap, and some white men can't jump. However, as society leans toward sexual openness and awareness, many men, women, trans, and others turn to sex work because it is both profitable and enjoyable. There are still many who feel like their only other choice is flipping burgers, but much MUCH fewer of sex workers (in North America) are in the profession against their wills or because they have no other options.
If you've read some of my other posts, you'll find a theme: I love sex, sure, but I also love Humanity. I want to learn as much as I can about it. And I feel that sexuality and sensuality are a healing tool. I want to help people.
You would make a great philosopher. Do you thoroughly enjoy the sex? Do you orgasm naturally often or just always fake it when you're being paid? I do greatly enjoy the sex, and just the intimacy in general. Snuggles and hugs and kisses are awesome too!
I can proudly say that I have NEVER faked an orgasm, paid or otherwise :)
If there was a Sex worker of the year award, you've won. How long do you want to keep doing this? Sex work? Til I retire!
What's retirement? Menopause? I guess I'll have to figure that out when I get there, but not necessarily. Plenty of people have a sex drive after menopause.
Do you have Security Personnel, to be 'around' out of the place of meeting, etc in the even that a customer turns out to be a psycho? Not saying, "Do you have a pimp?" But more like, how do you protect your self while you're nude with a man that could send things south REAL fast. It depends on the client (keep in mind that I am bi, so not always a man). I try to trust my instincts. But if I'm not at my regular place of business, I have someone close by, just in case, and have regular check ins for longer appointments. If I'm at my regular place of business, I have a network of people that I can ask to be on site as a security presence.
Good to know. What was the 'Weirdest' Thing a Client has asked of you? It's not weird to me, because I'm into fetishy stuff, but I suppose the world at large would think this one weird: "Can I watch you pee?"
What is the most awkward you have felt in your job? first day? It's sometimes awkward for me when it comes time for "pillow talk". Not everyone wants to snuggle and chat afterwards. I've learned to simply ask. My first day was smooth. But my first few clients were also friends of friends, and fellow gamers and geeks. Makes things go smooth when you have things in common, just like any first date! ;)
Is what you do currently legal where you are? If so, could you elaborated on how it's regulated? If not, do you believe that it should be regulated and are you currently involved politically in getting it legalized? I live and work in Toronto Ontario. The laws regulating prostitution are currently suspended as new legislature is discussed. Society wishes to prevent sexual enslavement and abuse by Johns and Pimps. I support their goal, but their methods suck. Look into the new bill they are trying to pass. The need to be more forward thinking about how they regulate. I am here, doing this AMA, as my small way of debunking the myths that say Sex Workers are slaves, or being taken advantage of, or have no other means to support themselves.
I'm going to be sneaky and ask another question if i can... what do you do when someone doesn't pay and do people ask if they can pay by card? Unless there is a Reddit rule that says only one question, I don't see the harm in asking as many as you like.
Tribute is generally asked for in advance.
Yes, it is possible to pay by credit card (or prepaid credit card if you're not the trusting sort ;) )
Did not know that, thanks. Do people every denied you when you have turned up? has a wife ever answered the door? I'm just wondering, thanks so much. Not thus far, but I have been stood up a couple of times. People don't show up at the rendez vous, or whatever.
Have you ever turned up in full latex or leather due to someone who wanting that? tell me when to stop :P. Not yet! But they'd be buying the outfit ;) I haven't purchased a full Fetish Wardrobe yet.
How did you find out you love what you do? After a particularly bad breakup, I went through what I call my year of hell. I fucked my way through my little black book. I discovered a couple of Doms and started some basic sub training. I dated or just hung out with, a lot of socially awkward people. After a few encounters that ended with "Wow! This has been so helpful! You should do this for a living!", I figured that the voice in the back of my head that had been suggesting just that wasn't as snide as I thought it was.
Do you get a lot of people wanting to fuck you with the lights off? No, not really. I often get the comment that they want to enjoy the view ;) And I love watching a client undress, etc. Though, I'll admit, I close my eyes when we get close, usually. But only because I'm far sighted and it makes me dizzy to have them open :P.
Do you have abs? My abs are obscured by some extra weight, but yes, I do.
Oh, cool. Me too. We don't live in the same area, but if we did, could we get together and, instead of doing what you do, could we...have coffee and a talk? All clients pay for my time. What we do with that time is their choice, with my latitude of moderating certain things. So yes, we can just have coffee (tea for me!) and talk :)
Oh, cool. Are you a nice person? I only talk to nice people. If you asked everyone I've ever known, 95% of them would say yes, so long as you don't piss me off ;) I've got a bit of a temper :P.
I don't piss people off on purpose, only by accident, and those are family members who have known me for a long time :) I have a long tolerance for people putting their foots in their mouths. You generally have to be trying to get my full rancor ;)
So...you want me to put my foot in MY mouth? I can't do that. And I won't do that. I mean metaphorically. To put one's foot in one's mouth is to accidentally say something offensive. :) No foot eating required!
Ever had to turn a client away due to a "hygiene" problem? Did they react harshly towards you afterwards? does your family know? do you or have you had longterm relationships during your time in the sex industry? Thanks for doing this AMA! Never turned away, but insisted on a shower. I don't mind things like a little BO, but if you want my mouth/face near it, it had better be reasonably clean.
I'm not harsh about it, so they are not harsh towards me. I know that people make dirt and mess. I'll even shower with you ;) But that's your time you're wasting.
My sister knows.
I am currently in a long term, Polyamourous relationship. My partners know, and are supportive.
And you're welcome! Thank you for taking the time to participate!
Have you or will you ever consider doing porn? It pays better, safer...?? I do porn on my own. The co-op I belong to is working on putting up our own video page. As for safer, sure it is. But I enjoy the helping aspect of my job, the therapeutic benefits it can have for my clients.
I must say, this AMA has been really enlightening , I still have much to learn about the world ... and people. You're welcome! Spread the word!
Bit late but I'd still like to hear what you think: What is your view concerning the objectification of (mainly) women (and their bodies)? Do you think that todays society overemphasises the importance of sex and the concept of virginity? (Both concerning losing it for guys and keeping it for girls) Ooo, now we're getting really political...
I generally avoid voicing my views on such things. Mostly because to me personally, it doesn't matter. But I have sisters. So I will speak up for their benefit.
I think that society as a whole is a savage, vicious, ignorant creature. I wish it would mind it's own fucking business and stop trying to shape how I think, feel, and live my life.
Everyday objectification is a tricky thing. For instance: I am a bi female. When I see a lithe female walk down the street in little or evocative clothing, I drool. I think carnal thoughts. But that's my hormones talking. I don't know her. I haven't had a chance to talk to her to see if there is chemistry, so I'm going on instinct. That's the "I'd fuck her" reaction.
Now, some of the sexiest, oh my got, you make me wet, please, let me peel your panties off with my teeth! women that I've dated would be women that society wouldn't look twice at. flips society the bird I prefer my partners to have the whole package. There is very little that I find physically unappealing. (excuse me while I secure my "champion of the internet" title) Long hair, short hair, no hair, balding, Facial hair (guy or girl) uni brow, shaved, plucked, boob job, face job, MtoF, FtoM, 100lbs, 200 lbs, 300 lbs, 400lbs... I don't care! So long as you are reasonable well groomed, and hygienic, we're good! I have dated or slept with most of the above. (Points if you can guess which three do not apply).
I wish people would stop putting so much emphasis on virginity. It can make guys really awkward, or total dicks. It can give girls a complex they'll carry their whole lives!
From my research, I know some professionals refuse to take virginal clients sigh
I have sisters. I want them to think of sex as something to take seriously, but not too seriously. I want them to treasure their bodies, but not horde it. I want them to feel safe and loved and wanted, but not like some spoiled piece of meat, or some rare artifact!
My body is my temple, and I worship it in different ways. I don't expect everyone to agree with my views. But you asked my opinion...
OveUnder on the number of guys you've slept with for work, 150? Oveunder on the number of guys you've slept with in your personal life, 45? Under 150.
Over 45.
Hi Angie, thanks for doing this AMA. If I knew someone that was interested in pursuing this line of work but didn't know how to be, would you be able to recommend a good resource or place for her to begin? That is a complicated question with a complicated answer. As conceited as it might sound, have her look into Den of Nine Tails. She can feel free to contact me directly through my email there. Check out my website to find it. AngieNash42.Com.
It really depends on a bunch of things, so if she wants guided advice, have her contact me :)
Cheers, I'll pass that along. Slainte.
How long do you see yourself doing this for? As anyone who chooses a career, I hope to do this until I stop enjoying it, or until I simply have to retire. I'm hoping very much for that latter ;)
What sort of prerequisites for retirement would you consider? I imagine there's a niche in the market for the older lady, and I've heard of men whose girlfriends are sex workers. I'll be honest, because of my health complications, I haven't given so much thought to the future. I've been too busy focusing on each day at a time. I'm working on paying down my depts and building up a savings. I come from a family of people who even after official retirement, they still worked til they day they got too sick to do so. So I imagine I'll find a way to keep going, even if it's training professional subs and Dom/mes.
What age did you get into this business and do you want to get out? As stated in the opener, I started 4 years ago, at Age 24. No, I don't want out! I want people to realize that this is my choice! Not my "lot in life"! I get to help people explore their sexuality. Often, I am a therapeutic tool for clients to get over personal trauma, or social awkwardness. No one wants to be judged for their lack of sexual knowledge, or for their deepest darkest desires! Time with me is a way to explore that safely and enjoyably!
I meant do you want to pursue things other than this eventually, or just do this job til retirement. I've always wanted to help others: I'm currently the Administrative Assistant for Den of Nine Tails: A Sex workers co-op. We hope to expand to other locations as well as other cities. I'd like that to be my life long project. However, I am also a writer. So publishing a novel or two might be nice ;)
Not sex or work related, but just interested in what geeky stuff you're into. Comic books, games, cosplay, shows/movies? I'm not into comic books, but I'm an avid DC/Marvel movie fan. I play MTG, DnD (3.5, 4.0, Pathfinder, Eberron), other D20 systems, including homegrown. I have done LARP (Vampire: The Masquerade), and love board games like Catan, Dixit, and the Chathulu based ones. I do some light cosplay. I have a homemade cloak that a friend made for me for a birthday a few years ago. :) <3 I just finished watching Lost last night, I love Star Trek, Doctor Who, Stargate, and have seen some of the new Battlestar Galactica. I loved the Ender's Game movie, as well as the Hunger Games and Divergent. Love sci fi and fantasy TV and movies in general. I am also heavy into Crime Dramas like Bones, Numbers, Criminal Minds, etc.
That feral play pic looks like it hurts a LOT, do you genuinely enjoy that? Absolutely! Yes, it hurts, but with pain for fun, you have to work up to it. If you just walked up to me and bit or scratched me, I'd probably drop you! But if I know it's coming, or we've been tussling and making out, the adrenaline starts pumping. It feels amazing when done right!
Ever been with anyone famous? Not that I'm aware of, but I'll admit that I'm not main-stream pop-culture knowledgeable. If it's geek culture, I probably know it. But otherwise...
Do you ever stay in touch with the other actors (once you're done shooting)? Some of them, yes. Most are part of my co-op, so we see each other regularly.
With the current HIV epidemic do you ever worry about contracting it from work? And then possibly spreading it to those in your personal life? This could all happen before it is detectable on a test. And condoms aren't 100% reliable. Also, have you ever had a client take off the condom mid intercourse? I try not to worry, I just try to be safe. HIV is an STD, see my full reply to that question in another thread.
No. My clients are all very respectful of my rules.
If you required your client to show a clean STD test and you do vice versa, would you be willing to do bareback?? No. There are too many risk factors. STD tests are only so reliable. Some STD's have a long gestation period. You can be a carrier much longer than a test can pick up.
How do you feel that your website is currently full? Full? I'm sorry, can you restate the question?
So, have you ever had an abusive pimp? Have you ever been arrested? I've never HAD a pimp. No, I've never been arrested. For any reason.
Sorry, dumb question. So who do you work under? I don't! :) I work for myself. I "work under" the umbrella of Den of Nine Tails, in that I pay a membership fee to the club to provide me a website, business cards, paid advertising, etc. I also have access to the site for client appointments, have access to training on a variety of topics, and can use their awesome equipment! Some of these include the Caesar, Sybian, Vac Bed, and Violet Wand.
I see. That makes sense. How did you end up as a sex worker? I already answered that one ;) I think, actually, that it was the first question!
What are my chances of getting an STD if I have sex with a prostitute (wearing a condom) is it dangerous? This is not a question I can answer. It comes down to being safe, trusting your gut, and doing what you can to avoid contact with possible infections.
Myself, I reserve the right to inspect for sores, or other signs of infection. I try to keep myself educated on how diseases exhibit themselves. I won't do unprotected oral on any gender. I avoid things like skat play, rimming, and urine in my mouth or near my eyes (yes, I do golden showers).
I cannot stress this enough: ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!
So is it safe to have sex with a prostitute? I believe I just gave you my opinion on that...
Do you accept married clients knowing they're doing this as an affair? Yes. I do not encourage it, actively, but I also know many married couples who encourage their spouses towards NSA relationships to get their fix of whatever they don't feel comfortable doing. Because I provide fetish services, there are many of my clients whom are married.
Do you like it in the butt? Yes ;)
What's the weirdest thing a client has asked you to do? And did you do it? I already answered that one :P.
Last updated: 2014-06-10 16:25 UTC
This post was generated by a robot! Send all complaints to epsy.
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2014.06.06 19:53 LinesOpen An OKC Success Story: Year 1

The couple with their natural expressions.
It began like all the others.
Remember last May, the week before Memorial Day, 2013?
I think it was a Tuesday. I opened OkCupid.com, checked what few visitors I had, revisited dead conversations, then I opened up the match search. I had recently been trying a slightly different tactic: sorting by new members--simply because I'd been on the site for about six months and was interested in seeing fresh faces.
It didn't take long until I spotted a cute blonde with a very high match percentage. I clicked the profile and immediately noticed her love of the TV show Fringe. Coincidentally, I was watching the show that moment. So I sent a message based on that and our mutual interest in board games:
Fringe. Fringe is wonderful. I'm in the middle of season 5 and about to hit a massive well of depression because it'll be over. Any words of advice?
Also board games: I keep losing at Puerto Rico. I don't have any questions, I know what I'm doing wrong, but, well, there you go.
She responded enthusiastically to both prompts. Our flowing conversation hit a road block however; we were both going out of town. The conversation ebbed; she recalls now there was a point when she thought I had lost interest. (In fact, I was having too much fun drinking beer at the beach.) But when were back in town, we quickly set up a drink-date; turned into three hours of bar-hopping fun, telling embarrassing stories and laughing--and the infrequent, electric touch of our hands.
(ETA) I remember one moment on the first date, when she held her hand out to show me a small scar. That was the first inkling I had that she really liked me--she was inviting me to touch, to connect.
Stats: I hugged her on meeting & on departing.
We met again a week later and spent the entire day together. Sitting in a park, taking a walk, enjoying the Gay Pride Parade, dinner and a nightcap--followed by the most passionate kiss of my life on a train platform. We had to physically push each other away so I could catch my train.
The next few months were a euphoric blur; breathless kissing, walking the city, coming up with every synonym in the book for "I love you" and finally saying "I love you." Even as the blur wore off, we quickly discovered we simply couldn't be without the other. Our hobbies fit (passionate about books and music, interested in world affairs, relaxing with a video game). Our temperaments fit (relaxed at home, driven at work, excited to learn new things about cooking and the world and life). Simply being in each other's presence, we make each other better--more focused on bettering ourselves and making life easy for our partner, going to bed early, and especially celebrating the moments that deserve celebration. She's truly my better half; she makes me a far better person than I've ever been before. She helps me understand myself; she helps me be myself within myself, rather than worrying about everything that could unravel just this minute----
What I'm saying is, I love her. We celebrated our one year anniversary last weekend and have growing plans to move in together early next year. It wouldn't have been possible without OkCupid so I thank the site. And this community helped me during those 6ish months, helped me get over the frustrations of bland first dates and fades and all the rest. A few of you may remember me, most probably not. I remember of a few of you. I wish nothing but the best for all of you.
Tips for those of you still at it:
1) The biggest thing I see in bad OKC profiles is boring text. Each section, hell each paragraph, should provide a hook: A unique piece of information about yourself. Because my girlfriend listed Fringe, a rather unpopular TV show, in her profile--I messaged her. And here we are a year later. Find the fringe parts of your life and put them in your profile. The right person will be intrigued.
2) Be kind.
3) Be open. You have to be open for a relationship; like, really open. On a fundamental level, a relationship is the merging of two egos. You have to see past individual conflicts of ego to what you two represent on a bigger level. Remember, you're asking someone to be part of your life--that doesn't mean they erase themselves. You want to add them and all their lovely eccentricities to your experience. Hopefully they think the same about you. This is the only way a healthy LTR can last.
4) Fucking A, tell them they're beautiful and that you love them everyday. I thought she'd get sick of it but on the contrary, it's become a daily affirmation of our feelings.
5) I love the way she holds me close at night. She cannot sleep without me. It's the fucking best. She holds onto me like sleep is a roller-coaster. I've never belonged anywhere more than I do in those moments. I mention this because before her, I absolutely hated sleeping together. "Together but apart" was my OKC motto. But now? I wouldn't have it any other way. Let the ego go. Let them change you. Let them be changed by you. It's enlightening, evolving, exciting.
6) OK This got dumb. Sup.
7) Bonus blurry picture of us at a concert last week. I cannot ever make a normal face in photos.
p.s. It hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns. I have pretty severe social anxiety that I've been battling through our entire relationship--with her help, and the help of my good friend zoloft. Meanwhile my girlfriend got bed bugs at one point. We have never been so stressed, so much at the end of our rope as we were then. We survived, though.
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2014.05.30 17:44 rosecityraptor Help! There's this girl...

We're working together (along with four other people) on a group project. I haven't crushed this hard in a long time. The problem is, I am having a really hard time telling if she's gay. We're both feminine and don't show any obvious signs that either one of us is gay. I wear a thumb ring, but I don't know if that trend has caught on among gay women yet.
Every time we lock eyes and smile at one another, I turn into this little rainbow puddle. Since I don't think there is any easy way of finding out if a girl is a femme, I'm just going to have to take the plunge and ask her out for coffee. We've got three weeks of summer semester left. I was going to go ahead and send her a facebook request and see if there were any signs that I should absolutely not ask her out (like a relationship status).
Do you guys have any tips for asking someone out? I have little experience doing the asking, and when I do it's always with OkCupid! I could chicken out and do it over a facebook message, but I would greatly prefer taking the plunge and asking her on our second to last day of class.
Also, weird question: do you guys have any experience of straight girls saying "yes" to your asking her out? Like, they don't realize you're asking them on a date and just think you're being friendly? I've always been a little paranoid of this happening for some reason!
Thanks raptors <3
EDIT: I added her on the facebook because I it was driving me crazy. It doesn't say she's in a relationship anywhere on her profile, but some light creeping shows that she does have a long term and distance boyfriend. Drats! I'll probably continue to crush on her, but I'll remember all your awesome advice for the next lady!
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2014.04.20 01:30 amdewstow Ladies Against Humanity Pack

Via
White
"The limit does not exist!"

solidarityisforwhitewomen

A $20 bill with Harriet Tubman's face on it
A bill allowing establishments to refuse service to homophobic legislators
A blazing Valentine's Day bonfire torching every moronic column that advises women on how not to end up single on Valentine's Day
A bodice-ripping 4-way with Alexander Skarsgard, lan Somerhalder, and David Boreanaz
A brown smudge equally likely to be period blood or chocolate.
A candlelight vigil for Nicole Brown Simpson
A CNN article touting "A Shocking New Study Shows Women Aren't Treated Equally With Men"
A detailed vajazzling of Van Gogh's Starry Night
A dozen Sprinkles cupcakes smeared on my naked body
A fantasy film that takes place in an alternate reality where, amazingly, everyone is white
A fantasy road trip with Anna Kendrick and Aubrey Plaza with burritos and mixtapes and skinny-dipping under the stars and you all just laugh and laugh
A federal holiday named after a black woman. (Or any woman, for that matter.)
A fun family cook-out grilling leftover dresses at Chez Gaga
A gender neutral, owl-themed baby announcement
A hand-crocheted Diva Cup case from Etsy.com
A heaping dish of real talk served ice cold by Ashley Wagner
A hot, wet, trumpet of a tart when you're nearly sure your partner is out of earshot
A humorless orgy filled with humorless feminists
A joke too funny for women to understand
A late breaking addition to the Opening Ceremony that features the women of Pussy Riot hooking up Putin's nipples and scrotum to high voltage electroshock
A limited edition set of white people white cards about topics such as J. Crew, half-marathons, and the word "articulate" just in time for Black History Month
A middle school style 3-way call about what to wear to the party
A misogynist dystopia set in the not-too distant WAIT A MINUTE
A much needed reminder that, all too often, "beauty standards" = "being white."
A new cookbook by Sylvia Plath
A new law forcing men to buy extra insurance in advance in case they someday need erectile dysfunction meds
A one-on-one tutorial in fabulous from Janet Mock
A one-way ticket to Steubenville
A perfect virginity story including a snowy night, a cozy cabin, and NBC news anchor Brian Williams
A personal style consultation from Lupita Nyong'o
A quickie with Rachel Maddowin the green room
A reissue of Battleship where you have to find the clitoris
A relationship-ending round of "Never Have I Ever"
A second-trimester burrito baby
A sneakediaper drive for your best friend Wendy Davis
A soothing 6-handed massage from McDreamy, McSteamy and Yang after a really tough day at work
A stern and timely pep talk from Miss Tyra
A strongly worded letter to Netflix demanding the addition of "The Good Wife"
A sturdy, resounding slap to the face of Vladimir Putin from the hand of Billie Jean King
A sudsy soak in the prefects bathroom with Cedric Diggory
A tear stained copy of Reviving Ophelia
A thoughtful discussion of music and fashion with Lorde and Tavi over manis and cappuccinos
A torrid sex odyssey with President Fitzgerald Grant
A toxic chemical fire fueled by all the make-up brands that don't make shades for people of color
A vagina mint. A mint for your vagina.
A vibrating Nuva Ring because why Wouldnot that exist
A warm, cuddly hug from Phillip Seymour Hoffman
A white-hot blazing inferno fueled entirely by Pnina Tarnai stunners
Abortion Barbie®
Accidentally making a duck face in the elevator mirror, immediately cringing in shame
Accidentally pooping out the tampon
Adele crooning under your ex's window 24/7 until he understands exactly what he did
Alan Rickman murmuring sweet pillow talk that you can't understand a word of but who cares just keep talking
An 80-year-old woman with her 20-year-old lover
An all-girl orgy comprised entirely of Cumberbitches
An alternate version of the Washington Monument that looks kind of like a vagina
An Auschwitz-themed Olympic debutante party
Arthur Weasley's muggle porn
Asking Gilbert Gottfried to do the lago voice during sex
Asking the waiter who tries to take your half-finished burger away if he's out of his fucking mind
Asking your doctor to define "occasional drinker"
Audra McDonald and ldina Menzel serenading you with the most heartbreaking love song in the history of everything
Awkwardly explaining to your waiter that you're not actually anti-coat hanger
Bandying Vampire Bill about the head and neck until he chooses Laura Benanti like a sane person
Banging Paul Rudd's ugly brother because close enough
Beard burn on your labia
Because sometimes you want three broomsticks
Being brought to tears by an unflattering photo and feeling a fiery mix of self-hatred and rage-filled feminist revolution
Being compared to a Cathy cartoon on Metafilter
Being forced to buy all fan gear in Pink because it's the color of your vagina
Being in a nice restaurant and knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is definitely food in your bra
Being polite about Lean In at the office
Being single in winter and not shaving your legs for months
Being soulfully serenaded collectively and individually by The Roots
Being the only woman at the office-mandated sexual harassment training
Being unbelievably attracted to Michael Fassbender even when he's evil to his core
Beyoncé thinkpieces
Beyoncé watching the halftime show on her $40,000 couch just laughing like yeah, sure, whatever
Blue Ivy's weave
Bobby Flay chipping his tooth on a ball gag
Breaking up with your fiancé via a fabulous Sondheim patter song
Buying condoms in your hometown
Calculating the WeightWatchers Points Plus™ in a heaping serving of Donald Rumsfeld's spooge
Calmly informing your date that you understand the infield fly rule better than he does
Celebrating equal pay day by making the same amount of money as a man who does the same job as you. Lol just kidding, you can't have that.
Checking "Other: Lesbianism" on the birth control survey at your gynecologist's office
Chin hairs you pretend you don't have
Choking on the ashes of Gloria Steinem's bras
CJ Cregg laying the smack down on a misogynist fucker then taking you out for mimosas
Compiling all the money we spend on hair removal products to feed all the hungry children forever
Condi and Hillary throwing a power pantsuit fashion show to raise money to help journalists who can't think of better questions to ask women politicians
Congratulating CBS on having the bravery and audacity to pick a white man to host a late night show
Convincing 2 straight guys to make out at a party to impress their girlfriends
Cooper Manning's burn book
Cramming Vladimir Putin full of Activia® until he poops out Russia's homophobia
Crying in the fitting room during bikini season
Daenerys Targaryen's fire-breathing vajayjay
Daenerys Targaryen, Arya Stark and Cersei Lannister combining forces to take down misogyny forever
Deciding that Lupita Nyong'o is the Cinderella you hope your daughter will grow up to be
Declaring that you will abstain from checking OkCupid or Tinder for 24 hours on Valentine's Day but then getting drunk and sad and signing in with much lower standards
Deliberately not shaving your legs to keep yourself from hooking up on an early date
Depriving white men of the right to vote for 150 years and just seeing what happens
Diane Keaton wearing a suit better than any man ever could.
Discovering orgasms at a prettttty young age courtesy of a jacuzzi/hot tub/pool jet
Doing your kegels at work
Donating your breast milk for vegan consumption
Doubling up on sports bras
Douches that smell like rain
Dumbledore's rarely seen club robes
Dumpsters overflowing with whimsical save the-date magnets
Dying your hair red like Angela Chase
Eating the entire bag
Emma Goldman burning the whole motherfucker down
Emma Watson, Emma Stone, EMMA THOMPSONBITCHES
Engagement photos on train tracks
Expensive vibrators shaped like twee woodland creatures
Experimenting with Stacey McGill and Claudia Kishi while the kids sleep in the other room
Explaining to a man that your bisexuality does not exist for his titillation
Expressing the anal glands of Oprah's chow chows
Feeling a little bit smug about Gwyneth Paltrow's divorce
Feeling microaggressive when people won't stop using the word microaggressive
Feeling nauseous and thinking, "0h, great. Is this going to cost me $400?"
Feeling slightly like you are fighting the system when you use the men's restroom at a bar rather than standing in line for the ladies' room
Finally being included in an NFL commercial as a "football fan" instead of "football fan's clueless girlfriend"
Finger banging Michelle Rodriguez
Flicking the bean to Adam Levine's Proactiv® commercial
Force-feeding Sheryl Sandberg the pages of lean In, one by one
Forcing your lover to call you "moon of my life"
Gabby Gifford' physical therapy
Getting a little turned on by the liquid silk voices of the ladies of NPR
Getting a new match notification on Tinder and not having any idea what you were thinking when you swiped right
Getting angry at your crush because of something mean he said during an imaginary conversation
Getting DPed by the Property Brothers on a custom granite countertop
Getting drunk and texting someone you don't really like because it's better than texting no one at all
Getting home from a workout and realizing your pubes were sticking out of your short shorts the whole time
Getting in the football mood by spiking your used tampons into the trash and celebrating afterwards
Getting irrationally angry when you don't think a Facebook status deserves that many likes
Getting topped by Professor Grubbly-Plank
Getting weepy drunk in the daytime and posting quotes from You've Got Mail on the internet
Giving ScarJo's boobs a (consensual) Iii' squeezy-squeeze on the red carpet
Giving up on the game to make out with big Tim Riggins
Going on a mediocre date, then a terrible date, then fooling yourself into thinking the mediocre date was better than it was
Going out to buy super healthy organic groceries then coming home and ordering takeout
Guys who can't get it together to set a date but still find time to like your shit on Face book
Guys who take off their wedding rings before they flirt with you at a bar
Hagrid and Madame Maxime role-play
Having big boobs and wearing horizontal stripes anyway cause FUCK IT
Having unprotected sex to honor the anniversary of Roe v. Wade
Hermione telling you she'd never hurt Ron; it's just that you're so beautiful and she's so confused
High-fiving Sandra Bullock after the best drunk duet of "Oops! I did it again" in the history of karaoke
High-fiving Shonda Rhimes while dancing on the graves of every boss who never bothered to hire a woman or person of color
Hillary bitch-slapping Bill with a frozen tuna
Hiring Buffy Summers to roundhouse kick the woman in your office who doesn't support other women
Holding hands with Ellen Page at the best Tegan & Sara concert ever
Holding your boobs as you go up and down stairs
Hoping maybe he didn't call because he died
Inspirational Dove chocolate wrappers
It gets better(ish).
JLaw creeping Taylor Swift ADORABLY
Joaquin Phoenix as George Michael Bluth and Scarlett Johannsen as Ann Veal in the new Arrested Development movie, "HER?"
Khaleesi bringing her dragons to a board meeting like "sorry, couldn't get daycare!"
Kim Kardashian's placenta banh mi
Kneeing him right in the man business when the fantasy suite turns into a nightmare
Lactating when a stranger's baby cries on the train
ldris Elba whisking you off for a weekend on the Riviera
Leonardo DiCaprio sitting on the sidewalk smoking with "Talkshow Host" playing in the background
LESLIE KNOPE AND MICHELLE OBAMA HUGGING AND DANCING AND BRINGING JOYFUL FEMINISM TO ALL THE LAND
LESLIE KNOPE FOR PRESIDENT
Liberté, égalité. Beyoncé.
Lining up all the lip glosses you've ever lost until they wrap around the world
Living with the fact that you're a white person who regularly downloads songs from "Glee"
Locking all the mansplainers in a windowless room with Bellatrix Lestrange
Magic ovaries that shoot down rape sperm with lasers
Making 77 cents on the dollar (unless you're Latina)
Making Firefox your preferred browser for gay porn
Making him jealous with Viktor Krum
Making it obnoxiously clear to your friends that you'll be watching the Puppy Bowl instead of the Super Bowl this year
Making out with an openly gay Eagle Scout "to help him make sure"
Malala's gunshot wounds
Masturbating to Ty Pennington
Meredith Grey's slut phase
Meryl Streep selfies
MICHELLE DUNKING LEBRON BITCHES
Michelle Kwan gliding across the ice like a majestic goddamn swan
Misandry
Mother. Fucking. Thigh gap.
Naming your breasts Lorelei and Rory
Needing to pee before your nail polish dries
Not having the heart to tell him it really doesn't happen to everyone
Objectifying women "for charity"
Oil wrestling with all three Manning brothers. Yeah, there are three.
Only shaving up to the knee
Patti Stanger's line of jewelry Asking Larry Summers increasingly difficult mathematical questions until Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are considered equally important
Peggy Olson's cutthroat ambitions
Perversely cheering for a team your partner hates, just for funsies
Pitching "The Deathstick" to Good Vibrations
Pointing out to people who claim to hate abortion that they might want to consider supporting access to contraception
Polishing off another bottle of Bordeaux with Olivia Pope and Alicia Florrick
Politely asking Juan Pablo to stop ruining Juan-uary
Pre-ordering a new Hitachi Magic Wand just in time for Galentine's Day
Pretending someone else is home when the delivery guy shows up with your extra large pizza
Pretending you don't fantasize about taking Tim Tebow's virginity
Pretending you'll wear that bridesmaid dress again
Princess Aurora maniacally devouring the still-beating heart of Maleficent
Proclaiming the wine "undrinkable" immediately before drinking it
Proudly carrying your tampon to the bathroom in full view of everyone because THE JIG IS UP A LOT OF US HAVE PERIODS
Putting on skinny jeans straight out of the dryer and wanting to commit genocide
Queefing in the faces of Oscar voters until they're forced to recognize the achievements of women and people of color
Raising a champagne toast to Belle Knox, the badass Duke porn actress
Realizing halfway through a great date that you forgot to tweeze those nipple hairs
Realizing you're not having lesbian sex anytime soon after you get one of those chunky glitter manis
Realizing your awkward sitting position on the floor made your vag lips lose all sensation
Reimagining your life as gluten free when you find out the hot 23-year-old at the office has Celiac
Rejecting a guy who might be your future husband on Tinder because his face just akes you angry
Reminding yourself not to start a conversation about your to-do list after your mind wanders during sex
Renée Fleming bringing linebackers to tears
Resentfully clicking like on your boss's vacation photos
Rosa Park's back seat
Roses are red, violets are blue, women deserve equal pay for equal work
Running your fingers through Jon Stewart's lustrous salt-and-pepper hair until you've regained a sense of calm
Ryan Gosling's taint
Scalding hot wax right there on your labia
Screaming in terror at the giant bug in your shower before you realize it's a hair ball
Seven carpets that match the drapes
Seven minutes in heaven with Eric Decker
Sexual fantasies involving Mindy Lahiri and a sumptuous coffeecake
Shameful childhood memories of envying the wheelchair girl who got all the attention
Shouting "NOT OKAY TOO SOON DON'T DO IT KEVIN" when Fred Savage plays a perp on SVU
Sipping champagne and trying on dresses made by designers of color with Kerry Washington and Michelle Obama
Sirius holding his hand over your mouth so you don't wake his mother's portrait
Smiling and pretending the sexism in your industry doesn't exist because you'd like to get/keep a job
Sort of wishing the baby on the plane would die
Sorting your friends - even the ones you think belong in Hufflepuff
Stalking wedding photos on Facebook, weeping softly.
Staph infections from dirty nail salons
Stealing a male relative's Playboy and feeling brand new feelings
STOP MAKING ME PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT YOUR WEDDING PINTEREST DARLA
Stubbornly refusing to put a tampon in because your period should have ended two days ago
Stumbling on David Wright performing as Judy Garland in the East Village
Subjecting a handsy finance bro to the withering gaze of the Dowager Countess
Surprising your partner with a Vladimir Putin shaped butt plug
Swish and flick.
Taking a giant dump on the 18th green at the Augusta National Golf Club
Taking your vegan girlfriend to shuck some soysters
Talking sexy social justice with Maya Angelou until your caged bird sings
Taylor Swift's sloppy seconds
Telling a street harasser "YOU know what? I will blow you."
Telling Pacey your innermost secrets in a canoe beneath the Capeside stars
Telling the thousandth guy for the thousandth time that all he needs to do is expend one tiny modicum of effort
Telling your date you're only paying 77 cents on the dollar when he asks to split the check
Tenderly dominating Uncle Jesse from behind
Texting your blind date's address to all your friends for safety
Thanking whatever nice man decided women deserve one month per year to learn about our history
That dangerous, terrifying moment when you realize you've memorized your credit card
That floaty feeling your legs get when you shave them after a long time
That guy in your gender studies class who's "just playing devil's advocate"
That moment when the wind flows through your vag hair
That time Cate Blanchett schooled Hollywood about how films starring women do make money
That time the president said "Women deserve equal pay for equal work" and half the room disagreed
The Bechdel Test
The blue liquid from tampon commercials
The chills you still get down your spine remembering the night Barack Hussein Obama became our president
The chub rub
The cold hard truth that no lesbian has ever scissored
The dawning realization that this is your life and this is what you're doing with it
The delicious grin that spreads across your lips right before you cock-punch that guy who just told you to smile
The disconcertingly placed hotel bathroom mirror that allows you to finally know how your face looks when you poop
The effort to control your facial expression when your friend tells you what she named her baby
The fallacious mythological running bra that actually stops the bouncing
The fallopian tube related elevation sickness that forces lady sports reporters to stay on the field and out of the booth
The G-Spot, the Y -Spot, the other spot you made up to confuse your partner
The Golden Girls' never-ending supply of frozen cheesecake
The grim, completely unsurprised facial expressions of black women being kicked off "The Bachelor"
The Gyllenhaals: giving incest a thumbs up this one time
The holiday greeting card heteronormative parade
The look on your boyfriend's face when he said "anal is no big deal" so you pulled out a strap-on
The massively hot lesbian orgy we assume took place after women leaders were forced to march separately in the 1963 March on Washington
The mental jiujitsu required to be a Republican and a woman at the same time
The moving romance of a holiday where men are expected to reinforce structurally sexist gender norms by buying things
The nauseating fact that many NFL cheerleaders make less than $1,000 per year
The new Georgia O'Keefe biopic, "Yeah, that's not a flower"
The new Special K diet: eating the box
The newest weapon in the global war on poverty: Connie Britton's hair
The pleasurable feeling you get pulling a stray hair out of your butt crack while you shower
The race to beat your vibrator's dying batteries to the finish line
The raging hellfire your best friend Veronica Mars will rain down on anyone who betrays you
The realization that there's no polite way to ask if he's inside you
The saddest, loneliest hand job in all the world
The self-esteem murdering combination of constipation and skinny jeans
The shocking revelation that all Super Bowl car commercials are shot in Saudi Arabia, which is why no women are allowed to drive
The simmering rage when some friend of a friend you've never met mansplains you on Facebook
The temptation to jump the curb and mow down random men who tell you how to parallel park
The terror when you glimpse those tiny droplets of pee glistening on the public toilet seat
The torture chamber where Kathryn Bigelow keeps James Cameron
The underwear sniff test
The unknowable shame of having masturbated to The L-Word
The unmitigated horror of having to pee in a club while wearing a jumpsuit
The unparalleled bliss of taking the bra off and letting the girls fly free
The Williams sisters patrolling the night exacting brutal, unrelenting justice
Throwing every person who's ever assumed you were pregnant into a pit filled with hot acid
Thwacking a men's rights activist with Lady Gaga's shoe
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler making out on a pile of Bitch magazmes
Tom Colicchio whipping up a delectable midnight snack while you lean against the counter wearing one of his button downs
Trying to figure out which Weasley twin prefers anal play
Turning the tables on Katie Couric about her genitals mid-interview
Tweeting Cory Booker about that guy walking behind you
Unbelievably hot dreams about your ex because YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS IS AN ASSHOLE
Underboob sweat like rancid milk
Unfriending that one girl who won't stop vomiting her wedding planning on your Facebook
Unnecessarily gendered teas
Unsolicited information about your boyfriend's sperm count
Urinating on yourself to prevent an assault
Using a Super Bowl bet to get your partner to try that kinky sex thing they've been putting off
Using April Fools as a barometer to figure out which of your friends are actually funny
Velvety rose petals elaborately arranged to spell the words "I'm breaking up with you, asshole"
Waking up in Harry's four poster bed
Walking out of West Elm with another fucking throw pillow
Watching a more qualified woman of color get passed over for some white guy on national television
Watching Bethenny Frankel struggle for life in a churning sea of pre-mixed SkinnyGirl® cocktails
Watching Eli Manning's face light up as you hand him the world's most adorable puppy
Wearing yoga clothes to not do yoga
When "small and scrappy" just doesn't cut it
When a dog smells your crotch and you know exactly why
When a FOX News anchor casually references 'ebonies'
When a guy says "70% of women are crazy" and you want to find a way to cut his face off without reinforcing the stereotype
When a guy's like "ugh, are you on your period?" and you totally are BUT THAT'S NOT WHY YOU'RE ANGRY
When a male colleague tries to take credit for your idea and you shout "NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER"
When RuPaul throws ultimate shade and Alec Baldwin pees himself and faints into a bowl of soup
When someone thoughtfully points out that an article of clothing makes you look bigger, like that is the single worst thing that could ever happen to a person
When the tampon is too low and you feel it with every step.
When there are only two squares of toilet paper left and you know there's about to be a little bit of pee on your hand
When you wear a too-short skirt on public transportation and your vagina is basically touching the bus seat
When your boyfriend competes with Leslie Knope to be the best gift-giver ever and convinces Ladies Against Humanity to post your very own birthday card
When your one night stand finishes with "OMAHA!"
When your partner goes down on you until you turn into Moaning Myrtle
Wondering how best to vent about Obamacare without seeming like you don't support it
Wondering if Ariel chums the water every time she gets her period
Wondering whether your girl crush on Hermione constitutes pedophilia
Yearning to use Adam Scott's fluffy, gravity-defying mane as a full body shower loofah
Your gigantic crush on Jenna Lyons
Zach Braff and k.d. lang trading hair tips
Black
“Baby, what's wrong?”
“Daddy? What are you doing?”
“Whatever Peeta. You'll never understand my struggle with ______.”
50 Shades of ______.
All I want for Pi day is ______ and 3.14 actual pies.
Are you there, God? It's me, ______.
At the next Republican National Convention, Clint Eastwood will use a chair for ______.
Claudette Colvin is most famous for doing what Rosa Parks did 9 months earlier but she's second most famous for ______.
Derek Jetter will retire at the end of next season to spend more time ______.
Detective Stabler's latest rage blackout was brought on by ______.
Do you have something you'd like to share with the class?
Draw me, Jack. Draw me like ______.
Hey, Susie. I know your job is ______ but can you just grab me ______? Thanks.
How do I celebrate beating all my male co-workers in the office March Madness pool?
I couldn't help but wonder: was it Mr. Big, or was it ______?
I find that ______ helps me locate my IUD string.
I know it looks like that guy on the subway is masturbating, but really he's ______.
I thought I'd win her heart by ______, but sadly McKayla was not impressed.
I'm not a smoker at all, just sometimes I need a cigarette to deal with ______.
I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so… so… ______.
I'm not even thinking about having a baby because I'm extremely busy ______.
If you don't mind my asking, how do lesbians have sex?
In "A Time to Kill,” Matthew McConaughey hated racism more than ______.
In her next romcom, Katherine Heigl plays a woman who falls in love with her boss's ______
Instead of a diamond ring, I want my partner to spend two months' salary on ______.
It's not cheating if I'm ______.
It's not length it's ______.
It's poker night with Beyoncé. You pull ______ out of your bra and slam it on the table.
It's not that I think we should break up, it's just lately I've been thinking a lot about ______.
Letting a white bro think he understands ______ better than you do.
MASH: Mansion Apartment, Shack, ______.
Men are from ___, women are from ___.
Meth is hard Let's go ______!
Obamacare has been criticized for restricting women's access to ______.
On a tough day, what's that one special thing Coach Taylor does to make you feel better?
On Wednesday, we wear ______.
One magical property common to unicorn blood, dragon blood, and Diva Cup blood is ______.
Pardon me while I take up less space so a man can have more room for ______.
She may not be fazed by Richard Sherman, but Erin Andrews is terrified of ______.
Shortly after the repeal of DOMA, Dumbledore was seen ______.
Sofia Coppola's new film focuses on a wealthy young white woman feeling alienated by ______.
Something old, something new, something borrowed, and ______.
Sometimes I want to think my one guy friend who's a legit baller feminist by ______.
That's why her hair is so big. It's full of ______.
The best excuse to not do that exercise groupon is ______.
The Devil Wears ______.
The latest proposal in the Texas legislature is to take away ______ from women.
The newest royal baby bears on alarming resemblance to ______.
The only thing more boring than your new diet is ______.
The Pantone color of the year is inspired by ______.
The secrets to John Boehner's smooth, even tan are a cream made from aborted fetuses and ______.
The thing I want most for Valentine's Day is my set of “Ladies Against Humanity” cards, but the thing I want second-most is ______.
This month in Cosmo; How to give your man ______ at the expense of ______.
This year's top Super Bowl commercial will use ______ to advertise Budweiser beer.
We are never. Ever. Ever. Ever ______.
What do I see in the Mirror of Erised?
What fell into my bra?
What is Olivia Pope's secret to removing red wine stains from white clothes?
What made this the most dramatic rose ceremony ever?
What makes a sponge-worth?
What should I get my therapist for Christmas?
What was Barty Crouch really doing in the Forbidden Forest?
What will Bill Clinton's social cause be as First Man?
What's in the gift baskets Derek Jeter gives to his one-night-stands?
What's my preferred way of celebrating International Women's Day?
What's my weapon of choice in the “War on Women”?
What's one thing straight white guys like even better than feeling oppressed?
What's Seth MacFarlane's problem?
What's the most privileged thing I do on the regs?
What's the one thing that worried Russia's anti-gay police even more than the entire sport of figure skating?
What's the one totally unexpected thing that helps Emeril stay hard?
What's the real reason there's no Wonder Woman movie?
What's the secret ingredient in Proactive®?
What's the weirdest thing that's been in my vagina?
What's my preferred method of contraception?
When I found out PARKS & REC was renewed for a seventh season, I celebrated by ______.
When Queen Elizabeth has to keep smiling, she just thinks of ______.
When they finally convince Chris Harrison to be The Bachelor, I'll win his heart by ______.
Why can't we have nice things?
Why do men on the internet send me pictures of ______?
Why does the Komen Foundation hate Planned Parenthood?
Why exactly was Alains so mad at uncle Joey?
You know nothing, Jon Snow, but you're pretty good at ______.
______: That's a deal-breaker.
______:the Tori Amos song that changed my life
submitted by amdewstow to cahideas [link] [comments]


2014.02.05 21:05 agbthrow Going through my first breakup, need advice.

Hey guys, I'm sorry this is long but thanks in advance for reading and I appreciate any advice or tips you wanna leave for me.
I'm 25 years old and just broke up with my boyfriend two days ago. Some background information first. This was my first relationship with a guy. I didn't come out until I was 24 mostly due to being confronted by my parents when I was 13. (They found a bunch of notes between my "boyfriend" and I in my room.) I was basically traumatized from that experience and ended up being "straight" all throughout school.
Eventually I hit a turning point in my life where I accepted that I was indeed gay and faced a bunch of other issues in my life (being 100+ pounds overweight, going nowhere with my career, etc). I turned my life around over the next year and decided I was finally ready for a relationship. I didn't know hardly any gay people so I decided to use OK Cupid. After only a month I found someone who I'll say was named Steve. Steve eventually became my boyfriend after a couple of dates and an adorable text message conversation confirming it.
Things were pretty great at the start. He was cute and fun to be around and best of all, he liked me!! Like, he actually liked me for who I was and I liked him. It was a first for me and it felt great. I had a boyfriend! A good boyfriend. Was he perfect? No, but he was really good to me and would never have cheated or yelled at me or anything like that.
However, here's the issue. I never had that head over heels rush of, "Omg, I really like Steve and can't imagine my life without him, etc etc". Not in the beginning, not ever in our 5 month relationship. I broke up with him after 3 months because I felt that Steve's feelings for me were immensely more intense than mine for him (which they were) and I felt guilty. That breakup lasted 3 hours. I felt terrible and it caught me off guard. I cried and cried and was like, "Surely I've made a drastic mistake and I do indeed feel strongly for him". I had a talk with him about the whole thing and we carried on.
After that I focused on the good things about him and our relationship. How he treated me so well and how he accepted me despite my flaws and how I would never have suspected him of cheating, etc etc. Surely I would start to have those intense feelings soon, right? Well, it worked for a bit but eventually the feelings began to wane again. I started to not really look forward to seeing him and felt massive guilt when we were together because he possessed such strong feelings for me and I just didn't feel the same. My guilt was eating at me every time he showed affection for me and I just pretended everything was okay.
I have tried for months to figure out what it is that has kept me from feeling so strongly for him. Our sex life was a bit boring. Don't get me wrong, we both would enjoy ourselves but we were both somewhat new to the whole thing. I was Steve's second boyfriend. His first relationship lasted only a month and ended because Steve's boyfriend was just a dick. We tried and succeeded with anal a few times but certainly weren't all that good at it. We stuck mostly to blowjobs and got really good at that. I did towards the end though lose interest in having sex with Steve. Not that I didn't find him sexy, I did. It's just that I didn't get into that much and sometimes I would have even preferred to just have a nice fap session instead. That's not good. Also, Steve was much hornier than I was and that just made it worse because he was so cool about it whenever I would tell him I just wasn't in the mood. It just added more guilt.
Overall though, I believed the sex life could have been fixed. And I liked hanging out with him too. Was he my new best friend? No, but he fit in with my friends really well and that's always good. We didn't have that much in common and we were not friends before dating. I've always been a fan of the idea of a relationship stemming from a friendship because I think it leads to longer, healthier relationships but that doesn't mean that a series of dates can't lead to a good relationship either, right?
Also, a few weeks into the relationship I already had a mindset that the relationship would likely end eventually because it was my first. I can't help but wonder if that mindset ruined this relationship.
I felt terrible whenever I broke it off for good a couple of days ago. I felt like a monster. Steve always was saying things such as, "You're the best thing that's happened to me" or "I just love being around you" and so I know that he's in pain. We have a mutual friend that's been helping both of us, the poor girl, and she says he'll be alright that he just needs time but that yeah, it's rough. We agreed to be friends which made this a bit better, I really wouldn't be okay with never seeing or talking to him again.
What I don't understand is how I can I feel so terrible and cry so much over this if I don't even romantically like Steve? Is it normal? I broke it off and yet I can't help but feel like I've made a huge mistake. Like I'll never find anyone as good as Steve was to me and how I should have just kept waiting and hoping the feelings eventually got stronger. I have been doubting my decision ever since I've made it and am seriously worried I'm gonna regret this in a few months.
I guess what I'm asking is whether or not I've made a reasonable decision? Have you been in a similar situation? How did that turn out? Thanks for reading and sorry it was so long.
submitted by agbthrow to askgaybros [link] [comments]


2013.08.22 20:39 Thisnameiswaytoolong I had a weird Tuesday PT.1

Before we get into the 4 hour long winded detailed story of a very strange night for me I would like to go over a couple of small details to describe how I am feeling throughout this evening/morning. I usually work 6am-3pm. Every day I usually try to get up about 4:30am so that I can walk the dog before work as I live in Florida and it’s just too hot to do so after work, for me and the dog. So because of this work schedule I usually got to bed by 9pm. I like the schedule as I tend to miss all the nasty traffic that clogs the streets of where I live. Plus 4am is just a really nice time of the day. As far as the formatting of this post - text messages will be preceded by T-Her and T-Me respectively and actual conversation will be preceded by Her and Me respectively, you’ll get it as you read along…
Now I don’t know why I let this date go on so long or why I went in the first place. I guess I was lonely and bored and ultimately just wanted to get out of the house for an evening. So anyway I meet this girl on OkCupid. We chatted a little back and forth on Monday. There was no real conversation so to speak and she mentions she doesn’t like texting all that much and doesn’t really like emailing or typing at all. That’s cool I think and to each his own. I’d rather talk on the phone then text but I don’t really mind texting either so I’m thinking everything’s normal so far. Tuesday comes are and we email back and forth finally deciding texting might be easier with the short little messages we were sending. So we texted a bit throughout the day little texts like “how you doing?” followed by “Good, you?” etc… She tells me it’s her birthday today and asked if I wanted to go out that night. It was 3pm at this point, still Tuesday, and I figure what the hell she just wants to go out on her birthday and perhaps all her friends are busy. So I say yes. I then don’t hear anything from her until about 4pm she says we should go to this bar down by her. Now I knew before she lived about an hour drive away, which is fine that doesn’t really bother me but that becomes important later so pay attention! I’m like cool we can do that. She says she wants to go get dinner before at a steak house close by. All cool so far and very normal. I send her a text asking where we should meet up, you know at the bar, the restaurant, etc... and what time she’d like to go.
I send her 2 more texts with asking what’s going on and I get no reply. I called her phone number and no answer. I don’t hear anything back.
9pm – Interior - Home In Bed
I’m getting ready for some glorious sleep and I get a text:
T-Her: “Where are you”
T-Me: “Home”
T-Her: “You didn’t come out here?”
T-Me: “No, you never told me where or when”
I stay awake for about 45min waiting for a reply thinking if she’s in a crowded bar perhaps she didn’t know I texted back. Well I don’t hear anything back, so I decide to go back to bed and try and get some sleep. I’m lying in bed confused and wondering what the hell is going on so I can’t fall asleep right away. Now it’s about 10:30 - 11pm and now she texts back.
10:30pm – Interior – Home
T-Her: “Are you on your way?”
T-Me: “No, you never told me where or when you wanted to meet…”
T-Her: “(Bar name and address). Come out it’s my birthday.”
I figure what the hell it’s her birthday, her profile was nice, and her picture was kind of cute. Even though we didn’t talk much I was willing to take a leap. Cue 1 hour drive…
12:15am – Exterior (Bar name) 1 Hour From Home
As I pull into the parking lot for the bar I get a Text
T-Her: “Where are you…”
T-Me: “Literally just pulled into parking lot of (bar name).”
I don’t get a response. Walk into building, loud music blaring but good music so I’m relatively happy. I head up to the bar and buy a beer. I then drink said beer.
T-Me: “Where are you? I’m in the bar.”
T-Her: “I left to get cigarettes I’m not paying $9 for cigs. I’ll txt you when I get back”
The bar did not sell cigarettes I am confused as to why she would say this. I buy another beer. Drink said beer.
Me: “Where are you?”
Don’t hear anything, figured I got stood up. I am now annoyed that I drove an hour for 2 $3 beers, plus tip. Bar maid was super cute though, so that was nice. Proceed to get ready to leave.
1:30am – Interior – Bar
T-Her: “Omg my friend got pulled over for a DUI and the cop forced me to take a cab back to my home”
Uh… yeah… ok… that’s fucked up.
T-Me: “Wow, that’s crazy. So should I head home”
T-Her: “No just come over to my house and we’ll hang out”
She lives on other side of town. 30min drive over there. On my drive over she texts me:
T-Her: “Can we go grab something to eat? I’m starving.”
I don’t text and drive, so I wait for a stop light to reply.
T-Me: “Sure”
2AM – Exterior - Her House – Street
Arrive at her house say hi little hug. Looks pretty much like her picture but has a much larger gut then lead to believe (get back to this down below) from what the pictures presented. We chat for a little bit about random normal stuff. However, somehow the conversation quickly derailed to her talking about her ex who just 2 weeks prior sneaked into her house and beat the shit out of her. She said she was wearing a lot of concealer to cover up the remaining black eye she received. I just simply nodded along with the occasional “Holy shit!” Then she decided to inform me
Her: “Yeah and also I just had a kid about 2months ago. But don’t worry I gave the kid up for adoption.” I guess that could explain said enlarged abdominal area.
Me: “Oh?”
Her: “Yeah it was all planned from the beginning. You see I was having this kid for this gay couple from Iran.”
This declaration made my mouth drop.
Me: “Oh really, that’s nice.”
Her: “Oh don’t worry though I made them give me a C section because I didn’t want to get my lovely vagina all messed up. Yeah and I was pretty sick afterwards but I’m all better now.”
I couldn’t say anything. I mean what the fuck do you say to a story such as that!? Wanting to steer the conversation back to some place of normality I asked her if she had any roommates.
Her: “Oh I live with my mom. She’s kind of sickly. So I have to take care of her”
Me: “Oh, that’s really sweet of you.”
Now the next thing she said was in a lower volume, not quite a whisper but I swear she then said the following matter of factly
Her: “I’m just waiting for her to die.”
She said this with a smile on her face. At this point I’m thinking to myself there’s no way she could have said that. I had to have misheard her. But not really wanting/willing to know the truth, I dropped the subject. Between her very weird and fucked up stories I talk a little about myself and shit that’s happened recently in my life, the normal stuff you talk to someone about on a first meeting/date. But ultimately I proceed with her directing the car towards food. Well as inevitable as all future conversation topics, initiated by her, will be with this woman, she proceeds to talk about her ex again (you remember beat the shit out of her, gave her a black eye, oh and I forgot to mention a concussion). Well because of that altercation he was in jail for a long time. Now the long time thing didn’t have anything to do with him beating the shit out of her, you see he was already on house arrest (with an ankle monitor) for a previous crime, I didn’t want to know what for so I never asked. So he came over to her house with an ankle monitor on (and probably alerting his parole officer of his infraction) to beat her up. Ok so now she’s telling me all this and she keeps saying how she’s in love with him still and feels bad that he’s in jail and I’m just thinking ‘but… but… HE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU! Why the fuck do you still love him!?’ but I just listen and continue with my “Oh” and “Holy Shit” affirmations that I’m still listening. The next topic to spew from her orifice is:
Her: “So, I was married about for about 6 years.”
Me: “Oh?”
Her: “Yeah about 2 years ago we got a divorce. It turns out he was gay.”
Gay, right… probably just wanted to run away from her.
Her: “We have a kid together and everything”
I’m tired… so tired at this point and just nod along. We’re still driving because there is nothing around this area… not even street lights… I would have been scared if I wasn’t so completely astonished at how weird this evening has turned out to be. Now out of the blue after a brief moment of blissful silence she blurts out :
Her: “Oh shit my stomach.”
She said this not alarmingly but as if just making a statement.
Me: “Are you ok?”
Her reply was as if to hurry me into finding a restaurant in this unfamiliar territory
Her: “I just feel like I’m going to have diarrhea all over!”
The only thing I think is ‘Please not in my car… Please not in my car!’ But I don’t say anything and just concentrate on finding a place to stop. But then that is the last I ever hear of the diarrhea for the remainder of the night. We turn onto this road and see a Denny’s.
Her: “Oh there’s a Denny’s…”
She sounded almost excited. I think ‘Ok’ Denny’s is alright, they’re coffee is usually pretty good. Then she continues
Her: “I fucking hate Denny’s”
She said this with a completely different and angrier tone. Ok, so that’s a no to Denny’s. We continue down this road and see a Waffle House.
Her: “Oh there’s a Waffle House. But don’t go to that Waffle House. It’s full of whores!”
WHAT!?
Me: “Oh? What do you mean?
Her: “Oh I saw two girls who work there going at it one time in the back when I was trying to get some food. Plus they’ll sleep with anyone!”
Me: “Oh…”
Very confused at the strange declaration and too tired to confront it I just let the comment flow past me.
Her: “There’s an IHOP up here that’ll be good”
We pull into a naked parking lot to find out IHOP closes at 10pm… you know as in yesterday. Well then…
Denny’s it is.
I had a weird Tuesday PT.2 - At Least The Coffee Was Good...
Edit: Part 2 is where it gets weird...
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